Noise

Recently I decided to take a "facation" from Facebook.  I had done it once before and was jonesing for it during every dull minute of my day; sitting at red lights I would pick up my phone to swipe a refresh only to remember that I no longer had a facebook.  I was curious, I missed knowing what everyone was up to, I missed pictures, I fell behind in the news.  It only took about two weeks before I just couldn't take it any longer and had to sign back in and reactivate my account.

Well, about a month ago a friend and I decided that it was time again.  We were having a long talk over coffee about how ridiculous facebook is because people try to portray their lives as perfect.  I'll admit that sometimes seeing that so and so is going on their 14th vacation for the year can become a little obnoxious, among other things (and I fully admit that my song lyric posts can be equally annoying to many).  In an act of solidarity my friend and I de-activated our accounts right there and then!  And I can honestly say that this go around was completely different than before.  I didn't even miss it!  I welcomed the stillness that comes when not filling every minute of the day with extra noise.  I'll use an online physics definition of the word noise to better clarify what I mean:  "A disturbance, especially a random and persistent disturbance, that obscures or reduces the clarity of a signal."  This may seem strange to some, but facebook is a noise that persistently disturbs and reduces the clarity of my signal.  I find when I use it I'm like an addict, I'm frazzled, disjointed, and completely out of tune with what is best for me. 

On my most recent "facation" I learned that the price of keeping up with every person I've ever known and having access to every picture of the past few years of my life is not worth the cost and the irreparable harm I'm causing for myself in the long run.  A very wise person told me to let go of facebook because it could stunt my growth, and I never realized quite how true this was until I did the unthinkable and after my month of bliss I logged back in and reactivated (Will I ever learn)????  Between the facebook, text messaging, personal email, and work email my phone was buzzing every 5 seconds (dramatization)!!!  In a little over 24 hours, I deactivated once more (yes, I am now that person) and I can honestly say that I don't imagine I will ever go back again.

In this crazy day and age when everyone is so "connected", I think it is nice to take a step back, focus on myself, learn to be comfortable in the moments of silence, clear my mind, and learn who I am and what I want when I'm not constantly being bombarded and distracted with noise.  To quote Adele, "I can't keep up with your turning tables, under your thumb, I can't breathe!"  So with that said... good bye facebook, and hello good old fashioned fresh air! 

Haiku

(2000)

Fingers in my throat
I kneel on the bathroom floor
Regurgitation

Crossroads... Again!

In 2008 I wrote the following entry into a notebook:

They say that pregnant women will crave food that contains nutrients and vitamins that their body and their baby need to stay healthy, something like that happened to me once, only I wasn't pregnant and it wasn't food that I was craving.  I was reading along in a Kerouac novel and the main character was describing what it was like to pick cotton in a field, he said, "it was beautiful kneeling and hiding in that earth," and that he would lay with his "face on the pillow of brown moist earth."  As I read this, I felt a tinge of anxiety, just a small uneasiness deep within my gut that whispered, "I want that."  I thought for a moment... When was the last time I had laid on the grass without a blanket?  It must have been in my teenage years.  Suddenly, the gnawing whisper became a scream; I too wanted the earth, the dirt, the fields, the breeze... but mostly I craved the freedom that it entails.  The feelings and the way of life that one leads when they are one with the earth.  

In the years between my youthful innocent future of possibilities and my married young adult cage of no direction I had lost something; apparently I had lost the ability to lie in the grass and relax but it was more that that.  I had become a person that flinched at the flutter of pigeons on the sidewalks in London, I avoided pathways in Hyde Park if there were too many squirrels, and I preferred not to vacation in sunny spots because that would lead to perspiration.  You see, nature aside, in the time between my teenage years and my mid to late twenties I had gained close to 100 pounds.  I found comfort in all the wrong places, like behind my cardboard wrapped Starbuck's coffee cup which I carried like a shield, in my right hand, elbow bent at a 45 degree angle: carrying it as if it were some sort of pass into the upper echelon of society, when in reality every person in suburbia had a pass.  I found comfort in shopping for DVD's and going to dark movie theaters (as long as I avoided the theaters with the older seats that hadn't been re-modeled to fit America's "bigger" lifestyle). Movies which had once been a fun outing to do on a night when nothing was going on, had now become my favorite thing to do because I could still go out and yet remain invisible.  My shelves of DVD's at home expanded to the point where even I was disgusted with myself.  What a bunch of waste!  Mass consumerism at its worst!  I once saw two different pictures in college: one was of a family in America with all their belongings... the heaps and piles of gadgets filled the picture.  The next picture showed a family in Africa and all their belongings and all they owned were the necessities.  The book compared the two families ecological footprints, it made me evaluate the waste in my own house and my own impact on the environment.  In my mind, it always came back to that never ending wall of DVD's.

As I sat there evaluating every facet of my life, I felt the urgency of NOW!  I had moments like this before but not nearly as strong or life threatening.  I felt like if I wasted one more minute being this person I was going to die.  Sure all of these traits and habits are not bad individually, but the culmination of everything that made me who I was in that moment was someone that I could no longer bare to be.

Don't get me wrong, not everything in life was a wreck, but everything in it certainly had the potential to be.   I was married to the most pure good hearted man that I had ever met, and for some reason he loved me.  I often wondered though if he was growing faster than I was?  How could he not be? If I didn't change, would he leave me?  How had I become this?  Was this really me?  Is this who I was destined to be?  If I really wanted to, could I change?  Would he and the other people in my life let me change?  

All of this questioning, searching, and re-evaluating came to me as crazy as it sounds after a few lines from a Kerouac novel.   

2012:

Not that it is a big surprise to anyone; but that man did leave me.  Much has gone on between that time and now, and this is not an entry to re-hash all of that but really this is more of a self check and an alert to myself: DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY TO GROW!!!  Seize the moment to shape who you have been craving to be for years!  In so many ways I feel like the same lost girl as in the description above- I'm still afraid of birds, I still own too much stuff (although every year since 2008 I have downsized my life in remarkable amounts), but mostly I am still 100 pounds overweight.

What is different then you might be wondering???  Well, first and foremost I would never in my life put myself in a "cage of no direction" again!!!  And, while I may be afraid of birds, I can honestly say I've laid in the grass, I've hiked in the mountains, I've put my feet in mossy streams, and I've smelled the flowers!

And for the first time since 2008 I have an opportunity before me to finally put words into action!  With the help of friends, I have found an apartment that is Kerouacian in every regard!  A little slice of bohemian heaven!  While not everything about this place is perfect, it has all the right elements to feel like a San Francisco Beatnik apartment in the 1950's or a loft in Paris that the Lost Generation would have occupied during the 1920's.  In other words, I'm in love with it (or at least the idea of it).  Herein lies the problem... up until now I have been all talk and yes, while there has been transitioning there has not been any transformation of any considerable amount.  This apartment is going to force me to down size, there is no way around it... and while there are moments that make me sad when I think of how much my life has changed, I have to remember... IT'S JUST STUFF!!!!  How long are you going to allow yourself to be weighed down by stuff (materialistically, physically, spiritually)?

Goals:

-Sell some big pieces of furniture

-Don't take TV??  (Finally make true on that goal of giving up shows you've already seen before)

-Depending on the temperature variance from season to season:  Perhaps don't put up any curtains??  Let the light in!!!  Enjoy the big trees right outside your tiny little windows!  

-No buying books until I've read all that I own.  (No TV would really help with this goal)

-Walk!  Walk, walk, walk... RUN!  (perhaps save money by walking to the bus, and taking that into  Boulder)

-Eat more organically

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Who Am I?

Who am I? I love songs with meaningful lyrics. I like to watch old, foreign, or independent movies. My favorite sounds are the harmonica, the ukulele, and acoustic guitars. I love Autumn, and Spring is a close second. One of the sweetest moments in my life involved strawberries, sunshine, a street performer, and a cathedral. Events with rain always rank high in my book. I fall in love with travel books--- in my world Jack Kerouac is a God, and Elizabeth Gilbert is a role model. I move, every year... it's what I do, my Grandma once called me a "gypsy". I like that she sees me that way. I drink wine and I dance around my living room; I do and say things sometimes that are so weird that my little sister always says, "I never thought when I was little that people in their 30's would act this way". I like to cook because measurements don't have to be exact, and I dislike baking because of all the rules (yet I love to buy baking pans). Lattes are a break in my day that bring back old people and places, and that is why I can not quit them. I used to be a runner, and I know she's still in there somewhere. I am constantly searching myself to find what I can improve. I'd like to learn to take simple pictures, to play simple songs. To be a person that does yoga. To be a person that dances, not just in my kitchen and living room, but everywhere! I listen to Jazz, and take long bubble baths. If I get into the last 100 pages of a book I can not go to bed until I finish it, even if it is a work night. I have a large capacity to feel extreme amounts of empathy for the human condition; when I hear of injustices in the world, I actually feel a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat; I want to participate and make a change in the world but often times don't know where to start or how to begin besides just being a better human being. I am trying to learn balance, how to just be, and the graceful art of letting go. I like the mountains, but I love big cities! I love the History, the culture, the places that you find when you've been in a place long enough that you are no longer a tourist. I still am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I want to write, and need to make time for that in my life. I have a clear idea of the kind of person I am becoming and the person I want to be- I seek independence more than anything. I am constantly in a state of self reflection. I am scared of making the same mistakes twice. I always seek change, believing with all of my soul that change leads to growth.

Thirteens

I love when for whatever reason I decide to re-visit an album that originally did not strike a resounding chord with me. This rare scenario has happened to me recently with Leona Naess' Thirteens album. I bought the album when it came out in 2008 and after a couple of spins I wrote the record off to the "I'll never listen to this again pile of albums that is always expanding due to my thirst for something new yet nothing seems to satisfy the craving approach to music."

Well, in recent months the stars aligned just right and I have stumbled back onto this album and I could not be more thrilled. It is quickly becoming one of my all time favorites! For one, I finally understand the title: Thirteens- my interpretation is that it is the state of being that a single woman in her thirties occupies. You are not a teenager (Thank God!) which means that you don't get butterflies in the same way that you used to (you know better than that by now), but you do get dressed up for nights on the town with girlfriends and in the same way that you did when you were younger you set out with the excitement of not knowing where the night may lead. Of course the older we get the more that our friendships will change as friends do meet significant others and move into another phase of life, and while this can leave a bittersweet taste and lingering feelings of indifference, it is nice to remember that the ride leading up to wedded bliss can also be just as rewarding.

While this album does have it's fair share of sad undertones, on the whole it makes me feel like these are the greatest times and that someday I'm going to look back on it all and really miss this time in particular. Face it, if you combine your single thirties and your idyllic teens you get the best of both worlds: all the passion and zest, but also the common sense and freedom that being an adult brings to your life.

A little taste of some of my favorite highlights:

"These are the best days of your life

Dinner parties and friends and no one's wife"

"Storms are brewing and we're heading for the change

Friends will marry and move away"

"You're not the same girl who

Writes love songs and means them

You're not the same girl who

Has butterflies and believes them"

"Dive dive down in the deep dark waters

Swim your body to me

Look for shelter in the caves of Gibraltar

Maybe some pearls for me"

"I can't tell you that I won't hurt you,

But I promise to try"

"Take my lips and place them upon you

Catch my eyes and let them design you

Grab these arms and wrap them around you

Shake these hips and let them persuade you

Take my songs they're always about you"

"So let's go out late,

drink a lot

stay up past 8

and then dance,

DANCE all night

and leave our boyfriends behind"

"Gonna get it right

Gonna put lipstick on tonight

Gonna wear that dress

The one that shows my legs"

"Do I pull my hair up?

Or shake it out?

Put it in a bow?

Or leave it down?"

"Can I take you home? Maybe take you out?

When we're drunk a little less

We can drink some more"

When I listen to this album I can't help but think of all the potential that life has to offer to a single gal in her 30's! This album inspires me to start eating better and get my body moving so that I can enjoy my 30's to the fullest! Here's to being single and fabulous, exclamation point!

Possibilities

Today was a fantastic day! It started off with me accompanying my good friend to my second attempt at a Fluent Fitness Boot Camp in Wash Park. Today I stuck with the routine the whole way through (with a lot of modifications, of course) but I felt great after. The people that run Fluent Fitness are fabulous and super motivational (as is my friend).

After this I went on a road trip up to Boulder with the parentals to show them where I will be working and gather their thoughts on when I should move, where I should live, etc. I left Boulder feeling much more optimistic about the possibilities that life will be giving me in exchange for the things/people that I will have to give up.

And to top things off I got to meet up with another lovely friend for happy hour! Today I really feel like I lived life to the fullest and appreciated the time I spent with the people I love. I'm very blessed! :-)

Transition

This is a weird time for me... since my last post I finally got a job in Boulder! Yay! So now I have all these crazy questions going on in my mind constantly: When should I move to Boulder? Should I transfer to a different Barnes & Noble? How long can I commute? How often will I see my nephew? Are my sisters and I going to grow apart? Will I still have as active of a social life as I do now if I move? Will I be able to afford everything? And the biggest one... why when I've gotten my wish am I having a hard time letting go of some things?

Of anyone I know I should be the master of letting go but it is something that I tell myself I am good at when in actuality I am not at all.

I guess I just need to trust in the process; I wanted this, I got it, and all will shake out as it is supposed to: the people that are meant to be a part of my life still will be and the ones that fade out were important for the time being but maybe they just aren't meant to be a part of my big picture, and I need to learn to be ok with this. It's a process, as everything in life is.