Haymarket

On my bridge connecting an archer and lions
Inside a snow globe of glittering night lights
Holding hands
you complimented my scarf
A peddler approached
"A rose for your love?"
You bought one
Even though we had places to go
and it would wither

Twice you bought me a rose there
Both times under dark November skies
What a difference a year made
On a cold stoop step
"What do you want from me?"
Your hand ran through your hair
A peddler approached
An obligatory exchange
The winter air was so sharp

Warm light spilled out of the souvenir shop
The bells on the door jingled
A smile bound towards us like the sun
Her hands full of gifts
"Oh how romantic!"
She exclaimed,
"He bought you a rose?"
Yes
We smiled uncomfortably

The next time my eyes would see Haymarket
it would be drenched in the sunlight

Perspective

By far one of my favorite books that I have read so far in 2012 was a collection of poems called Love, An Index by Rebecca Lindenberg.  Lindenberg's collection has a theme:  it is solely focused on her relationship with her partner Craig Arnold (also a poet) and the process of mourning his death (Arnold disappeared in 2009 while hiking a volcano in Japan).

My favorite poem in the book was a short one, here it is:

You give me an apartment full of morning smells-
toasted bagel and black coffee
and the freckled lilies in the vase on the windowsill.
You give me 24-across.

That's it!  But it is amazing!!!!  This little 4 liner poem has stirred up so much emotion!  I first read it in February and I am still thinking about it!  At first, perhaps because I read it during the week of Valentine's Day, it made me sad.  It made me miss a time when I had Sunday mornings like this one.  But the longer this poem stays with me the longer the sadness is morphing into something new: HOPE.

Good Morning!

Learning to Dance Again...

One of my favorite lines from the film adaptation of the book "Eat, Pray, Love" is when the character Richard from Texas tells Liz:  "Groceries, I think you have the capacity someday to love the whole world."  Isn't that great?  I feel like I'm on that path.  Lately I've just been having so many experiences where I can feel all the sadness, the baggage, and the crap leaving!  As one of my new friends said, "You are processing!!!"  For instance, last night I danced (albeit somewhat guarded and under the influence of alcohol), but still.... I danced.... in front of people that I'm not related to.  I hadn't done that in years!  It felt so good to do something that used to make me so happy, sweating and shaking out all the bad stuff and just getting down with my nerdy self!

About a month ago, I had an experience that was so awesome that when I think about it I still can not believe that it happened; it was a Friday night and my group of friends in the Boulder area and myself decided to celebrate my transitioning offices by having a sleepover.  Cosmopolitans were had, among other things... and then we rolled out our yoga mats and plugged in a video.  It felt so good; the night air blowing through the screens, and stretching every muscle, and breathing with intent of clearing out my mind and just being still.  Afterwards, my friends brought up this nifty toy called an inversion table.  I didn't trust it at all.  I stared at this contraption and immediately decided that I would not be participating.  One friend hopped on and her husband flipped the table gently over with her on it and before I knew it she was hanging upside down by her feet.  A minute later she flipped back up and smiled and got off like it was no big deal.  Next, another friend hops right on and same thing, she flips, hangs, flips back and moves on.  After seeing them I decided that it was safe and that I wasn't going to break the machine, so with a little coaxing I decided to give it a go.  Immediately upon being strapped in, I was regretting my decision.  I even voiced out loud that I didn't trust people, that I was scared and so to please be careful!  All of that melted away the second I was hanging upside down.  To feel what it would feel like to not be carrying around all this extra weight, all this extra baggage was overwhelming!  It felt so good!!!!  Of course I started crying, because that's what I do.  It felt like all of the stress of the past 4 years had lifted off of my bones, my mind felt clear, and all I knew was that I never wanted to stop feeling like this.  It felt so amazing to remember what it felt like to be carefree, un-jaded, and weightless.  It made me realize how exciting it would be to just let go and that if by letting go of all that old stuff, what would that leave room for in my life?  What endless possibilities of amazingness could rush in to fill all the spaces that regret, fear, and self doubt have been inhabiting within me???

Another  important event happened a couple of weeks ago, I attended church for the first time in roughly a year.  I did not realize how much I had been needing to go.  I knew I was going to be emotional and when I realized that much of the service was going to be focused on praying, I knew the water works were going to start flowing!  Prayer has always made me emotional, sometimes I think it's because I used to wish so badly that I could believe with all of my heart that just by asking or thanking or talking it out with a higher power that things would get better.  Sometimes I just get overcome by the enormity of it all; that for thousands of years people have believed in something bigger than them, that wars have been fought over it, and that people of different languages talk to the same power;  something that provides so much unity and at the same time so much division.  Going to church sometimes serves as a grounding mechanism for me, I find my feet again and plant them in my beliefs, and the person I am, and the one I'm becoming.  When I'm there I'm reminded that I am unique and loved, and that I have the capability and the opportunity to treat everyone I come in contact with in that same way.

A few years ago at church, Pastor Robert gave a sermon that stuck with me.  It was about how we go through life and as things happen to us we put our guard up, we build our walls.  He likened it to running.  Some people when they run put their hands up in front of their chest, almost like they are boxing, it's a very defensive stance and really is ineffective; because the best thing a runner can do is run with their arms down, this allows their chest to open up and they in turn can breathe easier.  Pastor Robert said that many of us were due for a Renaissance of the Heart, taking something that was once old and making it new again.  I remember thinking at the time, that it was me he was talking to, that out of anyone I could think of I needed a proverbial new heart more than anyone.  Little did I know, that I was not ready.  I needed to sit with that pain for a lot longer.  For four years now in the words of Laura Marling I've been, "cleaning all the crap out of my rooms, trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue."  And what I've realized is that what makes me blue is that I have sat around for 4 years learning how to let go!  I have finally grasped that what I needed all along was ACTION!  Enough analyzing!!!  Dance, trust again, hang upside down, and love the whole world!



“It feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same; settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked around in this place, at the chaos its endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured that maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic; it’s just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation… We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."   -Elizabeth Gilbert

Noise

Recently I decided to take a "facation" from Facebook.  I had done it once before and was jonesing for it during every dull minute of my day; sitting at red lights I would pick up my phone to swipe a refresh only to remember that I no longer had a facebook.  I was curious, I missed knowing what everyone was up to, I missed pictures, I fell behind in the news.  It only took about two weeks before I just couldn't take it any longer and had to sign back in and reactivate my account.

Well, about a month ago a friend and I decided that it was time again.  We were having a long talk over coffee about how ridiculous facebook is because people try to portray their lives as perfect.  I'll admit that sometimes seeing that so and so is going on their 14th vacation for the year can become a little obnoxious, among other things (and I fully admit that my song lyric posts can be equally annoying to many).  In an act of solidarity my friend and I de-activated our accounts right there and then!  And I can honestly say that this go around was completely different than before.  I didn't even miss it!  I welcomed the stillness that comes when not filling every minute of the day with extra noise.  I'll use an online physics definition of the word noise to better clarify what I mean:  "A disturbance, especially a random and persistent disturbance, that obscures or reduces the clarity of a signal."  This may seem strange to some, but facebook is a noise that persistently disturbs and reduces the clarity of my signal.  I find when I use it I'm like an addict, I'm frazzled, disjointed, and completely out of tune with what is best for me. 

On my most recent "facation" I learned that the price of keeping up with every person I've ever known and having access to every picture of the past few years of my life is not worth the cost and the irreparable harm I'm causing for myself in the long run.  A very wise person told me to let go of facebook because it could stunt my growth, and I never realized quite how true this was until I did the unthinkable and after my month of bliss I logged back in and reactivated (Will I ever learn)????  Between the facebook, text messaging, personal email, and work email my phone was buzzing every 5 seconds (dramatization)!!!  In a little over 24 hours, I deactivated once more (yes, I am now that person) and I can honestly say that I don't imagine I will ever go back again.

In this crazy day and age when everyone is so "connected", I think it is nice to take a step back, focus on myself, learn to be comfortable in the moments of silence, clear my mind, and learn who I am and what I want when I'm not constantly being bombarded and distracted with noise.  To quote Adele, "I can't keep up with your turning tables, under your thumb, I can't breathe!"  So with that said... good bye facebook, and hello good old fashioned fresh air! 

Haiku

(2000)

Fingers in my throat
I kneel on the bathroom floor
Regurgitation

Crossroads... Again!

In 2008 I wrote the following entry into a notebook:

They say that pregnant women will crave food that contains nutrients and vitamins that their body and their baby need to stay healthy, something like that happened to me once, only I wasn't pregnant and it wasn't food that I was craving.  I was reading along in a Kerouac novel and the main character was describing what it was like to pick cotton in a field, he said, "it was beautiful kneeling and hiding in that earth," and that he would lay with his "face on the pillow of brown moist earth."  As I read this, I felt a tinge of anxiety, just a small uneasiness deep within my gut that whispered, "I want that."  I thought for a moment... When was the last time I had laid on the grass without a blanket?  It must have been in my teenage years.  Suddenly, the gnawing whisper became a scream; I too wanted the earth, the dirt, the fields, the breeze... but mostly I craved the freedom that it entails.  The feelings and the way of life that one leads when they are one with the earth.  

In the years between my youthful innocent future of possibilities and my married young adult cage of no direction I had lost something; apparently I had lost the ability to lie in the grass and relax but it was more that that.  I had become a person that flinched at the flutter of pigeons on the sidewalks in London, I avoided pathways in Hyde Park if there were too many squirrels, and I preferred not to vacation in sunny spots because that would lead to perspiration.  You see, nature aside, in the time between my teenage years and my mid to late twenties I had gained close to 100 pounds.  I found comfort in all the wrong places, like behind my cardboard wrapped Starbuck's coffee cup which I carried like a shield, in my right hand, elbow bent at a 45 degree angle: carrying it as if it were some sort of pass into the upper echelon of society, when in reality every person in suburbia had a pass.  I found comfort in shopping for DVD's and going to dark movie theaters (as long as I avoided the theaters with the older seats that hadn't been re-modeled to fit America's "bigger" lifestyle). Movies which had once been a fun outing to do on a night when nothing was going on, had now become my favorite thing to do because I could still go out and yet remain invisible.  My shelves of DVD's at home expanded to the point where even I was disgusted with myself.  What a bunch of waste!  Mass consumerism at its worst!  I once saw two different pictures in college: one was of a family in America with all their belongings... the heaps and piles of gadgets filled the picture.  The next picture showed a family in Africa and all their belongings and all they owned were the necessities.  The book compared the two families ecological footprints, it made me evaluate the waste in my own house and my own impact on the environment.  In my mind, it always came back to that never ending wall of DVD's.

As I sat there evaluating every facet of my life, I felt the urgency of NOW!  I had moments like this before but not nearly as strong or life threatening.  I felt like if I wasted one more minute being this person I was going to die.  Sure all of these traits and habits are not bad individually, but the culmination of everything that made me who I was in that moment was someone that I could no longer bare to be.

Don't get me wrong, not everything in life was a wreck, but everything in it certainly had the potential to be.   I was married to the most pure good hearted man that I had ever met, and for some reason he loved me.  I often wondered though if he was growing faster than I was?  How could he not be? If I didn't change, would he leave me?  How had I become this?  Was this really me?  Is this who I was destined to be?  If I really wanted to, could I change?  Would he and the other people in my life let me change?  

All of this questioning, searching, and re-evaluating came to me as crazy as it sounds after a few lines from a Kerouac novel.   

2012:

Not that it is a big surprise to anyone; but that man did leave me.  Much has gone on between that time and now, and this is not an entry to re-hash all of that but really this is more of a self check and an alert to myself: DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY TO GROW!!!  Seize the moment to shape who you have been craving to be for years!  In so many ways I feel like the same lost girl as in the description above- I'm still afraid of birds, I still own too much stuff (although every year since 2008 I have downsized my life in remarkable amounts), but mostly I am still 100 pounds overweight.

What is different then you might be wondering???  Well, first and foremost I would never in my life put myself in a "cage of no direction" again!!!  And, while I may be afraid of birds, I can honestly say I've laid in the grass, I've hiked in the mountains, I've put my feet in mossy streams, and I've smelled the flowers!

And for the first time since 2008 I have an opportunity before me to finally put words into action!  With the help of friends, I have found an apartment that is Kerouacian in every regard!  A little slice of bohemian heaven!  While not everything about this place is perfect, it has all the right elements to feel like a San Francisco Beatnik apartment in the 1950's or a loft in Paris that the Lost Generation would have occupied during the 1920's.  In other words, I'm in love with it (or at least the idea of it).  Herein lies the problem... up until now I have been all talk and yes, while there has been transitioning there has not been any transformation of any considerable amount.  This apartment is going to force me to down size, there is no way around it... and while there are moments that make me sad when I think of how much my life has changed, I have to remember... IT'S JUST STUFF!!!!  How long are you going to allow yourself to be weighed down by stuff (materialistically, physically, spiritually)?

Goals:

-Sell some big pieces of furniture

-Don't take TV??  (Finally make true on that goal of giving up shows you've already seen before)

-Depending on the temperature variance from season to season:  Perhaps don't put up any curtains??  Let the light in!!!  Enjoy the big trees right outside your tiny little windows!  

-No buying books until I've read all that I own.  (No TV would really help with this goal)

-Walk!  Walk, walk, walk... RUN!  (perhaps save money by walking to the bus, and taking that into  Boulder)

-Eat more organically

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Who Am I?

Who am I? I love songs with meaningful lyrics. I like to watch old, foreign, or independent movies. My favorite sounds are the harmonica, the ukulele, and acoustic guitars. I love Autumn, and Spring is a close second. One of the sweetest moments in my life involved strawberries, sunshine, a street performer, and a cathedral. Events with rain always rank high in my book. I fall in love with travel books--- in my world Jack Kerouac is a God, and Elizabeth Gilbert is a role model. I move, every year... it's what I do, my Grandma once called me a "gypsy". I like that she sees me that way. I drink wine and I dance around my living room; I do and say things sometimes that are so weird that my little sister always says, "I never thought when I was little that people in their 30's would act this way". I like to cook because measurements don't have to be exact, and I dislike baking because of all the rules (yet I love to buy baking pans). Lattes are a break in my day that bring back old people and places, and that is why I can not quit them. I used to be a runner, and I know she's still in there somewhere. I am constantly searching myself to find what I can improve. I'd like to learn to take simple pictures, to play simple songs. To be a person that does yoga. To be a person that dances, not just in my kitchen and living room, but everywhere! I listen to Jazz, and take long bubble baths. If I get into the last 100 pages of a book I can not go to bed until I finish it, even if it is a work night. I have a large capacity to feel extreme amounts of empathy for the human condition; when I hear of injustices in the world, I actually feel a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat; I want to participate and make a change in the world but often times don't know where to start or how to begin besides just being a better human being. I am trying to learn balance, how to just be, and the graceful art of letting go. I like the mountains, but I love big cities! I love the History, the culture, the places that you find when you've been in a place long enough that you are no longer a tourist. I still am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I want to write, and need to make time for that in my life. I have a clear idea of the kind of person I am becoming and the person I want to be- I seek independence more than anything. I am constantly in a state of self reflection. I am scared of making the same mistakes twice. I always seek change, believing with all of my soul that change leads to growth.