Book Review

Disclaimer:  If you ever plan on reading In One Person, by John Irving, then I absolutely insist that you don’t read this posting, there will be spoilers!  And if the idea of reading a book about gay people scares the you know what out of you, then I invite you to keep reading (hopefully with an open heart and mind)!

I read a book by John Irving last year called, A Widow for One Year and I was instantly a fan.  I had also seen The Cider House Rules in theaters over a decade ago and had fallen in love with that story.  So needless to say, I knew when I read that book last year that I was not done with John Irving.  So imagine my surprise when I accompanied a co-worker to the library on campus only for her to show me her little secret:  The library actually has new release books, and most the time you can find what you are looking for because the students are too busy checking out books needed for academic purposes rather than leisurely reading.  So as I spun the new release rack around and saw the new John Irving book, I couldn’t resist!  I knew any public library would have a wait and I needed to line something up in case I ever finished that beast known as Les Miserables (I did and it was amazing).  But this is not a review of that book, for while Les Mis made a socioeconomic statement for its time, I believe John Irving’s book has the capability to leave a powerful resounding statement about the times in which we live and about an “issue” that even played a role in our last political election.

Irving’s book follows a boy (William, Bill, Billy) from his developmental years all the way through to his employment later in life at the Academy that we saw him attend as a young boy.  The boy is the narrator, and he is telling the story from his later years.  We also know that the boy becomes a writer.  We learn early on in the book that the boy feels as though he has a habit of developing crushes “on the wrong people”.  It doesn’t take long for us to learn that the boy is bi-sexual.  I knew this would be a book that would challenge me, I’m a very liberal person, but that said I have always had a hard time understanding cross dressers and transgender people and this book delves right into those topics.  I would never say that I wish any ill-will towards people that cross dress or switch sexes (obviously), I just haven’t been exposed to that culture and it leaves me feeling ignorant.  So, that said, I knew this book was going to be unlike anything I ever encountered.

In the boy’s hometown in Vermont, there are so many characters!  The way the story is written I couldn’t help but try to guess at who was gay?  Who was bi?  Who was a woman that used to be a man?  Or still has man parts but wants to be perceived and treated like a woman?  At one point, I declared to my good friend and neighbor, “I think everyone in this book is gay!”  What is the author trying to do?

I kept with it though, and I’m glad I did; because midway through I came to a chapter where the boy’s first love interest (the town librarian who is a transsexual and much older) teaches the boy a wrestling move.

“'You will one day be bullied, William,’ Miss Frost said… ‘You’re going to get pushed around, sooner or later…’” She explains to him about the cruelty that people will undoubtedly show to him at one point in his life and she teaches him a wrestling move that will hopefully be enough to fight off his opponent for a moment, if only to give him enough time to run.  In the gym watching this lesson between the teenager and his older love interest are the boy’s step-father, uncle, grandfather, his best friend (Elaine), and the wrestling coach.  While the book has its fair share of people who are upset with William because of who he is, these people (in the gym) seem to accept him and understand that Miss Frost is teaching him a lesson that might one day save his life.  Any reader of this book is also in the gym getting to see this scene unfold, and much like William’s community in the bleachers I found myself wondering as I always have before:  Why would someone want to hurt someone because of their sexual orientation?  Why are there people that are so cruel?  And it’s at this point that I realized: it no longer mattered that half the town seemed gay what mattered is that I had gotten to know these characters and had extreme amounts of compassion for their story and who they innately are.

As I continued reading I noticed that the next half of the book shifted drastically—whereas the first half seemed so sexually promiscuous, the last half was devastating—The 80’s came and with it the AIDS epidemic.  We watch as characters from William’s life pass away and we worry that he might someday die of the same thing or of a hate crime.

While we don’t ever know how William’s life ends we do get to see a lot of things come to fruition.  When a son of someone from William’s past shows up to confront him about his sexually perverse novels and how unnatural they are and how unfair it is that he fills these books with a bunch of sexually confused people only to have the readers find compassion for the characters along the way---

And it clicks!  John Irving is a genius!  He takes us as readers on that exact journey!!!  And just when I think: it is 2012, I have friends that are gay and I am liberal; I realized that I still rode the roller coaster of acceptance that John Irving so masterfully set up in what is sure to be another bestseller.

Well done!

Secret to Contentment

Recently, I was thumbing through an old moleskine notebook that I used to carry around in my bag.  I used it mostly as a gratitude journal because for a while there it was hard for me to find things I was grateful for.  I thought about starting that exercise again, and realized that I am beyond that, I could think of a million and one things to be grateful for in my life at this moment.  But every now and then on a page in the little journal there were random scribbles of things that I wanted to remember but clearly had nothing else available to write them down on except my gratitude journal.

One of the things that I wrote was interesting because it is dated 5/15 but I honestly don't know if it was 2011 or 2012.  It is the last thing that I wrote in this notebook, and here is what it says:

5/15- What would you say is the secret of contentment?
-getting rid of cravings & wants that you can't have
-aligning my will to God's will

The last part leads me to think that it must have been May 15th, 2011 which was a Sunday and I must have been at church.  I don't really know if I have or ever really will know what that last part looks like, but I do know that something must have stuck as far as that first part goes... 

Because...I really feel content lately.  I feel it's a combination of things:  living a lifestyle that is more economically aligned with my income, separating myself from people, places, and things that bring negativity into my life, and enjoying the things that I have rather than wanting for more.

Five years ago, I could blow through money (and credit) faster than anyone I know (which is why I am paying the price now).  But now, I can honestly say that there is nothing that I want for.  Books?  Nah, I can check them out at the library!  I used to believe that getting them at the library would be so difficult because you'd have to be on a dreaded wait list.  "It's new, and it's the thing all the book nerds are talking about right now--- I must have it!!!"  I can just hear the old me now!  Yeah right!  I don't know how many "New Releases" are sitting on my "haven't read... yet" shelf because I bought them and then never got around to reading them.  So instead I'm reading some of those books, I'm signing up for some of those wait lists... and they are still coming in faster than I can read them!

I also notice now how appreciative I am of things when I do get them.  Recently a friend and I went to go see a movie in the $2.00 theater and it was such a great day!  Also, my sister gave me some coupons for a bunch of free food at the grocery market and I shared that free pizza with friends while we watched the classic, "To Kill a Mockingbird".  It was a cozy night!  The best though, is my mom surprised me by buying me a sweater that I just adore!  If it had been the old me (that consumed every material item I ever wanted that I came across in person or online), I would have already owned it and it wouldn't have meant as much. 

Now a lot of these changes had to come about out of necessity.  I just simply can't afford to go out and drink every weekend, or buy every book that I want to read, or shop for new clothes when my old ones are falling apart... you get the drift.  BUT, I have finally gotten to a place where I can honestly say that I have embraced my new lifestyle and if I'm ever lucky enough to make more money there are definitely some old habits that won't be making any re-appearance.  Sure... I would like to always have a bottle of wine on stand by in my what is now empty wine rack, and I'd like to have a savings account that I could draw from when things go wrong with my car.  But, I think if I had money I would rather spend it on seeing the world rather than "stuff".  I just don't crave stuff anymore.  In other words I'm interested in accumulating experiences rather than belongings.

And I'm learning to not want things that I can't have, and by this I mean...I'm learning to accept where I am right now in this moment and to not want to have my life be the way it used to be and I'm not wigging out that it isn't the way I want it to be in the future.  Standing still in this moment and being grateful for the things I have has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, but I finally feel as though I'm mastering it.  I used to feel that being content where I was would lead to me not having any goals or striving to be any better, I know now that these two are not intrinsic.  I can be grateful and content and I can still have goals; my goals just don't need to make me miserable in the meantime.  So what's on the menu for today-  A big bowl of angst, or a party platter of contentment???  "I'll take the contentment, please!"

♫ When I Listen To...

                                                                              David Gray

I am in the passenger seat of Tookie, also known as my friend Janet's Hyundai Tucson.  Janet is driving, the windows are down and there is a perfect breeze, one of those kinds that makes you feel like a teenager again, like at any moment you are going to put your hand out there in the wind and let it ride the waves.  Janet knows how to drive with a confidence that I always lacked; the smaller roads, the blind curves mixed with the rolling hills never so much as cause a flinch or one moment of hesitation.  Of course Tookie is American, so I being in the passenger seat am the one that could be clipped by any small oncoming British car driving 100 mph around the bend.  As I flinch at another "close call", I look at Janet who has a smile that is sunshine, her smile is the biggest of southern welcomes; and when I am in her presence I know that I am in the presence of a person with the most gentlest of spirits and this always puts me at ease.

Nuzzled up in the backseat directly behind Janet is Brandi.  Brandi's hair shines in the late day sun, she closes her eyes when the breeze blows in her face, sweeping her long hair behind her shoulders.  I hope that she is taking it all in; I hope she is getting it, I hope she is getting me.

"Babylon" comes on our adventure mix as Janet takes another bend.  I can't help but think of Pretty Woman and the line, "corners like it's on rails."  That's how Janet drives.

♫ Friday night I'm going nowhere, all the lights are changing green to red.

Around the bend we come to an expansive field of green, I want to say that it was almost like a cabbage patch; whether it was or not, I'm not sure.  Almost as if on cue, Brandi enthusiastically says, "Pull over!"  She slides across the backseat, opens her door, and crosses both lanes of what for a moment is an empty English motorway; and in a moment that I will never forget, she starts spinning around in this field, her arms open wide!

♫ Let go of your heart, Let go of your head... And feel it now

In my memory, I always see her twirling in that garden in slow motion.  She gets it!  As the song is winding down, my beautiful English sun is getting closer to setting, and our trip is one more bittersweet moment towards the end; Brandi crosses the street once more, slides back along the backseat, buckles her seatbelt.  Janet puts the car in drive, checks her mirrors, turns on her blinker and gets back on the road.

And David Gray sings on.

Romance

This Thanksgiving week I was lucky enough to get to meet up for dinner and a movie with one of my oldest friends that lives out of town but was home for the holiday.

Here we are:  Me and Miss Eden (again, this is just one of my favorite pics of us--- it wasn't from this weekend though)

We were talking about the movie Brave and I stated that I liked the direction Disney was going in with their female characters.  Eden told me that she missed the classic Disney characters.  I quickly went on a rant about what was Disney teaching little girls back then... that your life is miserable and that you are doomed until your Prince Charming comes along and then at last all is perfect and right with the world?

Eden being the eternal romantic that she is quickly called my rant out for what it was:  "Karstee, you sound so jaded right now!"

We had a laugh and then we left it at that.

The next night I was cozying up in bed reading Les Miserables when I came upon this little jem:

"The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in.  Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other.  Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only.  The rest is the rest, and comes afterwards."

I love this... and this is how I know that I am not as jaded as I sometimes come across.  Just as I made the argument last February with an old co-worker about what constitutes romance, I believe I am a student of the most old fashioned kind of romance, but with a modern idea of self.  You will never find me looking for love on a dating website, I will never think that a husband helping with the dishes is romantic (isn't that just common courtesy?); but I also don't think that a man comes along and everything is complete and you drive off into the sunset with birds chirping happily up in their branches and the sun setting on the previous life that you leave behind just because you've found your guy!

I do however believe in romance.  I also believe in myself.  I believe that I will find a man that complements me not completes me.

The point of this post is just to simply serve as a reminder:  You are looking for something rare, and those things take time and work!  In the meanwhile, keep believing in and cultivating your romantic side, tone down the jaded cynicism, but keep a healthy dose of realism!

Grateful

                                                    ♫ "You should listen to your heart
                                                      It's going to tell you what you need
                                                     Take care of yourself
                                                    And don't you worry about me" ♪

About a month ago I got to meet one of my favorite singer-songwriters: Tristan Prettyman!  I had left a comment on one of her pictures on instagram, welcoming her to Denver and saying that I wished I could be at her show but only had enough money budgeted for her album.  Lo and behold, she responded within minutes telling me she'd put me on her guest list.  It was amazing, and her performance was great!  I got to meet her after the show and I was so happy!

 

Sit back, because I am about to tell you why I am so starstruck by this amazing person! 

The first time that I saw Tristan Prettyman perform was in 2008, my dear friend Andrea asked if I wanted to venture out to Boulder to see Tristan's show.  I had seen Tristan's name on iTunes but had never listened to any of her music before that night.  She was amazing live!  I fell in love with her music and oddly enough her whole vibe!  The lyrics, the crowd interaction, the way the people in the crowd danced (which I started calling hippie dancing).  It was magical.

That night after the show my friend and I were driving back home from Boulder and it was snowing a blizzard!  David called while we were driving and it was a short conversation since I was driving and it was snowing, I didn't know it at the time but it was one of the very last conversations I would have with him.  I didn't know that my whole world was about to flip turn upside down and I didn't know that the friend sitting next to me in the passenger seat (that I had just barely reconnected with) was going to be one of my rocks over the next few years.

** Here's a pic of us (doesn't have anything to do with anything in this post, other than it is just my favorite pic of us, it's blurry, but I still love it!):

I also, didn't know that Tristan Prettyman was going to be a rock of a different kind.  Listening to her music was therapeutic, yes there was a song that I used in an indulgent way that made me dwell on things (♪ And if this sadness won't ever leave, I guess I'll build it a home so it has a nice place to stay), but at the time that was what I needed.  And when I moved into a different phase of grieving or letting go or fooled myself with inappropriate crushes (♪ I've seen things from a different view, and I realized all the things I already knew-- your not for me, you know I don't think that you'll ever be good for me, or ♫ Well I just want to laugh my way through life, and ♪ Gonna let it all roll right past me cause when I'm here I'm always happy), I'd find a new song of hers that spoke to me in that phase!

With her latest album, I feel like I have been invested in her own journey.  Through her blog and through her instagram she shares so much of her story and how she got to the lyrics that manifested themselves into an album!

Tristan is the walking embodiment of how good "letting go" looks!  Letting go of the things that have been done to us, the wrongs that people commit against us, and all the negative stuff that can build up.  She channels it into writing, into giving, into yoga, and who knows what else?

I know that I have been processing stuff that went down in 2008 for what seems like FOREVER!  If it feels like that to you guys, my 9 readers, trust me it feels double that to my own self.  Nothing is more frustrating than holding yourself to other people's timelines,  or to feel like you are never making progress, or to feel like this one thing is going to destroy you if you can not figure out how to let go of it,  or to finally feel like you are making progress only to have a setback out of the blue.  Lately though, I feel like I finally get it.  That same friend that I went to Tristan's show with in 2008 recently met up with me for a coffee, she told me something along the lines of... "You are never going to be able to bury it, it's always going to resurface in one way or another so quit trying to bury it... what happened is a part of you."

So when Tristan asks, ♫ "If you could go anywhere, what would you see?  Take a step in any direction... just make believe!" I can see where I want to go, and I know it's within reach, and I know that along the journey I will have a good soundtrack and really good company!

Gardening

"such gardens are not made, by singing: 'Oh, how beautiful!' and sitting in the shade"- Rudyard Kipling

Ever since I moved to Boulder County over a year ago, I haven't been able to make it down to my church in Aurora that often, however, thanks to technology I haven't missed a beat!  I am able to download the podcasts of the sermons and listen to them on my phone sometime throughout the week.  Well, there was a sermon a few weeks ago that has been resonating ever since I heard it.  The sermon was based around the scripture that says, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."  Special emphasis was placed on the word kept, by the end of the sermon the Pastor was talking about the state of our souls and how we "keep" them.  He compared it to a garden and asked us to ask ourselves--- What season of gardening is your soul in?  Is it harvest season?  Is it planting season?  Are you in full bloom???  He asked us to determine what season we were in and then to really work on honoring that season.

On a subconscious level I have been pondering this question ever since he posed it.  And yesterday I found my answer!  Yesterday was one of those great Fall days, where the temperature is just right!  I had decided to spend this weekend down in Aurora for many reasons, but Saturday was just kind of a blank slate... I didn't really know what the day was going to bring.  What it brought was.... gardening!!!!  My mom had to be outside staining her fence all day, and I knew that was a task that I would grow impatient with so I thought... How can I help my mom out?  I looked around and noticed that a lot of the plants that had flowered had now dried up and needed to be cut back.  The tall wheat grass plants had long reached the highest that they would see for the year and were now drooping over covering pumpkin vines and other assorted plants.  I noticed that her garden had zucchini and tomatoes that were ripe and could be picked.  I noticed that my very own rhubarb plant had grown like wild and had been left unattended and many of the heavy leaves were now weighing the plant down.  I thought, what a great chance to help my mom out and to get to spend some time outdoors with her and to get my hands dirty with the "brown moist earth" as Sal Paradise once called it.

As I picked the veggies out of the garden... I thought... am I in a producing, "harvesty" season?  No....
As I enjoyed the plants that still were blooming... I thought... I'm definitely not in a blooming phase!
Am I in a planting phase?  No.  What I need is there somewhere.... it has already been planted.
But as I sat there and I cut back the plants that have already turned brown and I thought of how great they had been when in bloom and how they would be again next year... I thought this is EXACTLY what season I'm in!!!  I'm in PRUNING season!  Now, the next step is to honor that season!

So... since I was down in Aurora I thought, this has been such a great weekend so to top it off before the Broncos come on, I'm going to go to church Sunday morning!  So I did, and again the topic couldn't have been better because it was about the sower parable.  Needless to say we talked about seeds and soil.  This parable talks about a farmer that throws down many seeds, some get eaten by birds, some are on such dry soil that when the plant grows it quickly withers because the roots weren't able to take hold, some seeds turn into plants that get smothered because they are planted in a garden of thorns, and then some plants are in soil that allows them to flourish and to produce many times over.  Unfortunately in the past month or so I haven't been feeling like I was in the previous months where I felt I was on the cusp of major growth.  This weekend though has given me hope that I can identify the thorns in my garden, that I can cut back some of the "dead" leaves, and that I can honor my pruning season so that next year my garden can bloom & produce a harvest!

Acclamation & Motivation

I've been in my new place for 3 weeks today, it's cozy and I love it, even the imperfections.  There are windows that if I'm home then they are open- letting the sunlight and fresh air in, and then there are some windows that I've covered in curtains.  When I look out the open windows all I can see are trees, prompting the others in the complex to label my apartment "the treehouse", and even further upon seeing my style and taste calling it, "la treehouse" or as a French co-worker of mine clarified, "la cabane dans les arbres".  There is no TV, and there are a lot of books!  Not to say that when my friend that lives below me isn't home I'm not hopping on the internet to catch up on some show or another.  The kitchen still hasn't seen me cook a serious meal, and the bath tub still feels like someone else's (so needless to say, there have been no book/wine/jazz nights in the tub), the bathroom still hasn't seen me put on a full face of make up or actually do something to my hair besides the wash, scrunch, and go!

What I'm saying is that even though I'm in a new place and so much has changed- in some ways nothing really has.  I feel like a vagabond with each foot in a different world.  I guess that in some ways I'm still the girl that wants a dark bedroom, I'm also not ready to give up TV 100%, and I still haven't learned how to cook a proper meal for one.  On the other "foot" I'm meeting people that I never would have met before, I'm pushing myself on some of my OCD boundaries that I never really knew had such a strong hold on me.

While I'm extremely happy with the progress I've been making I felt like I was having a bit of a setback at first--- It probably didn't help matters that I moved out on my own for the very first time in my life about the same time that I was approaching my divorce/wedding anniversary.  When this day comes along I always analyze and criticize myself for where I am in life, and this year was no different.  So... this has me thinking- what can I do differently this year so that next year come August I don't even think about the fact that however many years ago I got married, or however many years ago I got divorced?

There is something that I realize I must master in order to ever move on and let go (and by this I don't mean from the actual person I was once married to, I mean from the disappointments and beliefs that I let myself turn into bigger issues than they ever should have been).

                                       I have got to learn to love myself and treat my body better than I do.

If I walk around believing that no man will ever love me again and that I'm not worth it because I have bad ovaries, then that is exactly what is going to happen.  Or worse... I'll find an equally sad individual to chip away at time together with and never actually feel what it's like to live boldly and passionately.  I have been walking around in a shell for 4 years, but really even longer than that and it is absolutely time to do something about it.

Pause... I NEED to go for a jog/walk.

I kid you not, this just happened.  I put on my jogging shorts and my nice running shoes that my brother bought me, and of course a pair of adidas knee socks (in my thinner days I loved to wear knee socks and in some ways my love affair with knee socks has never went away-  while my calves are double the size they once were when I slip a pair of knee socks on I instantly feel like an athlete).  Anyway, so I decided to go the route that a friend of mine mapped out for me (1 mile), the instant I started to jog I noticed 3 teenagers approaching me on the same side of the street that I was.  As we got closer and closer I could see that they looked like they could have just jumped out of Rolling Stone magazine circa the Seattle grunge era.  My mind was racing-- Should I stop jogging?  Cross the street?  Are they going to make fun of me shattering any trace of confidence that I might have remaining???  Shoot! My shorts are riding up?  What to do?  I decided to keep jogging and jog right past them with a half smile so as to let them know- I'm fragile, I'm nice, and I'm just trying to fit in this world just like you.  The first two didn't even make eye contact and the third one smiled back, lifted his fist in the air, and said genuinely, "keep up the good work".  Sigh!!!!  It gave me the motivation to run twice as far as I did last time before my lungs were crying for me to stop and my shins thought they might explode!  Thank you kid!!!