Present Perfect

Today was another day that I sat in front of my computer hitting the refresh button waiting for some doomsday e-mail to come in telling me I didn't get the job, and while the browser was refreshing I kept picking up my phone to see if there was enough reception so that I wouldn't miss the call that should be coming telling me I got the job! It was exhausting... I found myself getting grouchier by the minute! I just kept thinking, "I want this one so badly... this has got to happen for me, this is the ball that is going to start everything rolling into motion... I have to seize this opportunity!!!!! I was making myself nuts, so I was thrilled when my lovely friend text me for a drink (at 2:30 in the afternoon, but none the less it sounded exactly like what I needed to take the edge off).

So... we decided to meet at Baker Street Pub. As we were sitting there I started fiddling with the drink menu and flipped it over and there it was: a map of the underground in London. Instantly my eyes fixated on the tube stops that are the most familiar to me. For a moment I pictured myself jumping out of my chair in Colorado and jumping into the map (think Mary Poppins and Bert's chalk drawings in the park). Some of those stops on that map I can almost recreate in my mind. For the briefest of moments I was walking through the markets in Covent Garden and throwing change into the street performers guitar case; I was riding up the escalator at Paddington station, turning left and blending into the pedestrian traffic and becoming just another pulse (another beat) in the city that I love most; I was sitting in Marylebone station waiting for the train that would take me back up to Oxfordshire. As fast as all these images went through my mind, I started to think about the fact that there are people in my life (acquaintances mostly) that don't even know about this part of me. And that seems so crazy to me! It's so important to me and has impacted my life so much that it seems crazy that someone can know me and not know how I feel about that time and that place. (Now, I do know that not everyone walks around knowing all the great details of each other's lives and that no one ever should, but it's still weird). I'm proud of myself that I didn't let this moment today sweep me away into a pity party of looking back and longing, I was glad I was able to acknowledge that London is a huge part of me and that I will carry it with me always but I look forward even more to when it is something that most people don't know about me (so it will be like my secret). Like Rose said in Titanic,

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a city called London and that it saved me... in every way that a person can be saved. That time exists now... only in my memory."

Well... that's not exactly what she said, but you get my point.

After drinks, I went over to another dear friend's house for dinner. It was a nice meal and we had a wonderful night of catching up over wine. She asked me why I am so set on moving to Boulder. I told her that I can picture my life precisely as I want it to go and Boulder is instrumental in this picture. I want to work in higher education, I wouldn't mind going back to school for a master's either, and eventually I can see myself doing academic advising. I can see myself (someday) owning a little old craftsman style bungalow that has a screen door, scratched hard wood floors, a study filled with books, and a backyard that hosts a long picnic style table positioned perfectly under a huge tree that has mason jars with candles hanging from the lower branches. I see myself sitting at one end of that table while my "person" sits at the other end discussing History with one of his prize students. I see us all breaking bread together and raising our glasses of wine to wish each other "cheers". I picture settling into bed at night, both of us buried in the latest books that we picked up at the store. I can see him taking off his glasses, setting them on the nightstand amongst a stack of essays and drafts that he's perfecting for some History periodical and then saying something like, "Well darling, I'm going to turn in, we've got a big day tomorrow." I see myself taking the opportunity every few years to travel to another city (alone) in Europe and to get lost on its streets and to seek out it's true culture (not just the touristy overtone) and as cliche as it is: through getting lost 're-find' myself again and again.

At this point you can imagine what my friend said, lovingly, she said: "Really, you can see all that by getting a job in Boulder?" Hahahaha! Of course I know that it won't all work out exactly like that, but if I don't take baby steps that take me in that direction how will I ever even fall short?

On my drive home; rather than looking back to London or looking forward to Boulder, I put the sun roof back, rolled down the windows, stopped to get a coffee, turned up my newest favorite album and took the long way home (literally)! It was the perfect ending to my day, and an opportunity to be so content in the present. Balance is beautiful.

La Dolce Vita

La Dolce Vita: Is walking out of a cozy pub after a glass of red cab and standing in the pouring rain hearing the sound of Jeff Buckley singing "Hallelujah" all around you while the street lights reflection shimmers in puddles on the pavement.

I Don't Want to Wait in Vain!

Today I felt restless. It was an intense feeling of anticipation verging on the cusp of anxiety. The worst part of the whole thing is rather than channeling that energy into something positive, I spent the whole day bouncing back and forth between tabs opened in my internet window (hotmail- nothing, facebook- rien (nothing in French), goodreads- niente, blogger- you guessed it! Nada! And then the vicious cycle would begin all over again, with an occasional playtime with my nephew, Tyler).

Before I knew it, it was time to go to my part time job at Barnes & Noble. The whole day was over and I had spent it waiting on an offer that did not come. As I drove to work my hopeful anticipation quickly dissipated into depression. All the negative self talk started to set in and it was looking like it was going to be a pretty miserable night: "You can't even get an administrative assistant job, how are you ever supposed to make a living? They're probably not hiring you because you are overweight... How can the stuff you know about be so useless in this world? Pretty soon you won't even be able to pay your bills... Why are you trying so hard to get a job at a place that you can feel proud of, life doesn't go that way for you... just hurry up and apply for a job where you feel like you're settling... that's all you deserve..." etc, etc, etc. Fun stuff, right?

Once I got to work (an hour early mind you, I had to get a coffee, something had to take me out of the whirlpool of my frantic social networking circle that I had been spiraling since the moment I woke up) a friend asked me to go grab a bite to eat before I officially had to clock in. Thank God! I was able to get out of my head for moment, and therefore lighten up!

Sitting here now, reflecting back on this day there are certainly a couple of red flags.

1. The way I talk to myself has to be coming across to others (perhaps this is why I can not quite seem to snag these jobs that I so desperately want). If I don't believe in myself- why should they? No amount of glittery nail polish or hair straightening products can hide my lack of self confidence. There is a quote that I got from one of my favorite blogs,

“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.”

Note to self: Change your thinking!!!

2. Rather than sitting and waiting for an answer, there are a number of things that I could have been doing to take me closer to my goals: I could have been applying for more jobs, no sense sitting around with all of my eggs in one basket; or I could have been working out which would clear my mind and release happy endorphins!

Note to self: Be proactive!!!

3. In changing my self talk I could have taken a moment to also trust in the process and the fact that cards will fall where they may and that the powers that be have always provided for me when I need them most. So as long as I'm doing the best that I can... have a little faith.

Note to self: Do the best you can and let go of things that you can not control!!!

Here's to tomorrow!

To Blog or not to Blog???

Well... Here it is: my first entry! I developed this profile quite a while ago and never actually posted anything. I found myself thinking: What if I write something brilliant? Can anyone just take it and use it as their own material???? I guess I have come to the conclusion that I will cross that bridge when and if I get to it...

So with that setback behind me, here goes:

Once Upon A Time there was a girl. This girl was consumed with figuring out how to live the kind of life worth living. She analyzed mistakes from her past, she dwelled in memories from other times (better times) and could never seem to quite figure out why her present was never measuring up to her past; hence the reason that she would even (unoriginally, mind you) name her blog "Once Upon A Time".

Cut to the present: said girl is wondering what direction her blog is going to go? Everyone seems to have a theme these days (blogs for mothers, blogs about baking, blogs about fitness, etc). Alas, girl reaches conclusion: I've always had to have a "theme" and I've spent many hours trying to fit myself into boxes; when in actuality what I have discovered is that what makes me uniquely and sublimely happy is to be all over the map, essentially, coloring outside the lines if you will.

That said, this blog will serve as my canvas of reinvention (whatever that entails). I will try to be conscious of looking back too often, of limiting myself to two dimensional labels, and I will be honest with myself in order to ensure growth.