Friends + Family (The Holidays)= New Year's Resolutions

So tonight I got to thinking... who was the masochist that decided we would all make resolutions right after the holidays?  Seriously.  This holiday season has my head spinning.  First there is Thanksgiving, and this year to add to the craziness almost every retailer decided to open smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving day for Black Friday shopping... add in a doozy of an argument between myself and the matriarch about disciplining children (in which I was reminded again that I don't have any) and that was enough to have me running for the hills until I had to show my face again for Birthday and Christmas festivities.

Which brings me to the middle of my Christmas/New Year's Holiday "staycation".  I normally like to take all the random days off in between the holidays and weekends because I feel I get to maximize my time off from work by doing this.  When I do this I like to stay down at my parent's because all my sisters are there and friends are in town and it's just easier to get around to those I want to visit.  Well the fiasco that was Thanksgiving 2013 is behind us but now I find myself in a peculiar place.  I have realized that being a 32 year old so dependent on the family I grew up in for my love, support and happiness is no longer enough.  Sure it's a cozy little nucleus most of the time but when things go off the rails it only serves as a reminder to me that if I would move on and make my own life I wouldn't have to feel like the drama effects me so much.

On Christmas Eve we broke out the old home videos, think 1999-2001 and all I could think looking at myself was, I used to be much more quiet and reserved.  I was a whole heck of a lot thinner.  I wore makeup.  I took care of myself for the most part.  So here I am with my 18-20 year old self in front of me right on the eve of a New Year and all I can think is... if I go to the gym everyday maybe someday I can be that size again.

I also have had the chance this break to meet up with old friends- friends who have known me "pre-marriage" and I'm getting the feeling that my grace period has ran out.  It was ok the year of my divorce when I felt I couldn't even breathe, and the couple years after that it was acceptable to "not have any money" or to "be scared shitless to date" and then there was that year that I was looking for a job and that was the main focus.  But now things have been pretty steady for the past couple years, and with a few car problems aside the excuses have ran out and while some friends are more gentle when they ask, "Really? You haven't found anyone that you'd want to date?" Some friends have shown a little tough love asking the really hard questions, "what do you want?  You want to be a travel writer?  You have to travel to do that!  So what are you going to do?"

I'm not mad at my friends for asking me these questions, I'm glad I have family and friends who know where I've been and know that I'm capable of so much more than what I have been doing with my life lately.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have a job and can make ends meet, but there has got to be so much more than the life that I am setting myself up to have.

I don't want to be the girl that got divorced and never knew the love of a man again, I don't want to be the daughter that is always reminded that she doesn't have kids, I don't want to be the girl that makes the same goals every year and everyone knows that she won't accomplish them or change.

So... we go through all these visits with family and friends, we're reminded of who we once were before hearts were broken, before we gave up on ourselves, and before we stopped dreaming of bigger things.  And then we are faced with a New Year, a promise of a chance to begin anew!  Does anyone else see this as a crazy equation?!?!?!?!

So this next year, I want to push myself.  That's it.  I don't want to make any grandiose statements of what pushing myself entails but I want to be kind to myself but with a firm resolve.  I'm tired of beating myself up for being overweight, I'm tired of counting off the years since I last made love to someone, I'm tired of being the girl whose self worth comes from an alcoholic father, a husband who walked away and a couple of rotten ovaries.  So instead of curling up and watching re-runs or eating food that comforts me in the moment I'm going to be kind to myself in other ways and push through all the emotions and bullshit until I find what I really want, because the only thing that I do know for sure is that the status quo hasn't been cutting it and I'm finally far enough away from the main source of hurt that I can see it's time to force myself to push.  Stay tuned.

2013: A Year in Review (Books & Music Edition)

Last year I started what I would like to become a yearly tradition where I take a look at what were my personal favorite albums and books of 2013!  Since we only have a few new release Tuesdays to go and I don't see my mind changing at this point, without further adieu...

MUSIC

1.

Julie Roberts: Good Wine & Bad Decisions

The best album this year you've probably never heard of (unless you are a Country fan) comes from the lovely and talented Julie Roberts!  I've been a fan of Julie since her first album came out back in 2004, but man this one takes the cake!!!  I first heard she had an album coming out this year on the music website called pledgemusic.  If you've never heard of this site it's really cool, artists will put up items that people can pledge on (things like, an early digital copy of the album, or an in home concert, an old guitar, etc) and once they reach their goal they are able to release their album.  The cool thing is once you the fan make a pledge you are then privy to all sorts of cool videos and letters from the artist about the process that is going into making the album.  Julie is a really down to earth and in touch with her fans kind of person anyway on her facebook and such (she even gave a shout out to Colorado during the floods); but once I had access to the pledgemusic site I was able to really see how the album was coming along.

This album was the first album in decades to be released on Sun Records (the same label that was home to legends like Johnny Cash and Elvis Presley) and boy is it filled to the brim with delicious Memphis goodness!  Julie was made to sing country (and no not the pop Taylor Swift kind) but good ol' down home move you in your soul country!  Her voice is amazing and her lyrics are just what the doctor ordered: they're filled with longing and sexiness!  Here are some of my favorite lines (starting with the opening line of the album, and the title track):

"It don't matter what dress I put on

we both know it won't stay on for long

And these heels all their good for

Is walking through your door

and laying on your bedroom floor

Good wine and bad decisions

Hey a little lovin' never hurt no one"

"Sometimes a girl just don't like to be alone

Two old flames burning bright

Oh it sure feels right 

If only for one night"

My other standout song is called "Keep Me Up All Night" (are we seeing a theme yet?)

"Be my hot pot of coffee baby

Keep me up all night"

"Sometimes a lack of shut eye's just

what a body needs"

"Be my summer church tent revival

lead me back to the light"

"I swear tomorrow morning I won't mind

Keep me up all night"

Then there is a tune called "Old Strings" that I just can't stop listening too:

"I should open the windows

and let some light in

but I just pour some wine

and play these old strings again"

And, let me not forget to say that her version of the classic "Gasoline and Matches" blows LeAnn Rimes and Rob Thomas's version out of the water!

I could go on and on... but I won't.  Check her out, she rocks!

2.

Lou Doillon: Places

This amazing artist hails from France!  She is Charlotte Gainsbourg's sister and Jane Birkin's daughter.  So basically she comes from Parisian music and fashion gods!  Her famous family aside, she has put out an album that I am in love with!!!  My favorite songs (possibly of the year) are ICU and Places.

Here's a sample, from ICU:

"So I drag myself to the corner cafe

And for a second I see you there

like in the good old days

And I wonder what you're doing

what are you up to these days

I sometimes wish you would call me

but then I wouldn't know what to say

And I see you

In the cabs that go by 

in the strangers 

at every crossroad

in every bar"

"Cause all that's left now are my dreams and memories

but I'm glad you came through my life and put your stain on me"

And from Places (which in a perfect world would win a million awards for the best songwriting):

"We figured it out

creation and God

Imposed our beliefs

yeah cause their better than yours

don't you know it?

perfectioned our weapons

but we still need more

to balance our peace

we're selling you war

can you afford it?"

You just have to listen to that song, it's poetic.  Days when I would listen to NPR driving into work and be in awe at the state of the world (a congress that won't budge, chemical warfare in Syria, terrorists taking over a mall in Kenya, the list goes on and on)... anyways, I would turn off the radio and put this album and jam out to this song singing so hard!  I love it!

Do yourself a favor and check out Lou Doillon, a true talent!

3.

She & Him: Volume 3

What can Zooey Deschanel do wrong?  I love this lady!  Her sugary sweet touch of old fashion sounding tunes are just what I need to get me swaying in my chair at work!  Let me start with her and M. Ward's remake of "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me"... I adore this song to begin with, it always reminds me of my mom from when I was a little girl.  They master this song, they own it.  It's sooooo good!

Other songs that I love on this goodie:

"I've got your number son"
"Never wanted your love"
"Baby"
"Somebody Sweet to talk to"
"Sunday Girl"
"London"

Heck, they're all fun!  BUY this album now!


And in the grand tradition of last year here are some honorable mentions (surprisingly even though some of my favorite male artists came out with albums this past year... Jay Nash & Amos Lee, this year really is all about the girls)!!!  Here are the honorable mentions...

Laura Marling: Once I Was An Eagle

I love this album if not solely just because it knocked that damn Ed Sheeran off the top of the singer-songwriter charts for a brief moment in time.  Just kidding.  That aside, no one who has ever heard Laura Marling can deny that she is this generation's Bob Dylan.  A brilliant singer-songwriter.  I had the pleasure of seeing her this year perform in an old church and she is phenomenal!  Awkward, but amazing!  Here is an artsy video she made of the first 4 songs on the album:

http://youtu.be/R7eRrTKmYO0

My favorite song on this album:  "Saved these Words"
When she sings the following line, man, do I really get down in my volvo station wagon (lol):

"Should you choose
should you choose
to love anyone
anytime soon
then I save these words for you
you weren't my curse
you weren't my curse
thank you naivety
for failing me again
he was my next verse"

Carla Bruni: Little French Songs

Perfect for a bubble bath!  Enough said!

And lastly...

HAIM: Days Are Gone

Sure I'm not hip and cool and I have no idea how to say their name, but the only thing you need to know is these girls are hip and cool and this album will rock your socks off at the gym!


Now onto books...


1.

Elizabeth Gilbert:  The Signature of All Things

Just when you think one of your favorite authors has wrote their best book ever and will never be able to top it: they do!  Am I saying this book is better than my oh so beloved Eat, Pray, Love?  No, I'm just saying it's equally good in a totally different way!  Gilbert switches gears here and goes back to Fiction, something she's done before.  But this is Historical Fiction (one of my favorite genres) and she rocks it!!! Who would have ever thought a book about a botanist in pre-Civil War America would be so fascinating?!?!?!?  And to top it off the botanist is obsessed with moss (for those who don't know, I adore moss)!  The character Alma stays with you long after you've read the last page.  I don't want to give any of the story away, but read this book! If someone asks you what you want for the holidays... this is what you need to tell them you need in your life!

I had the pleasure of meeting this extremely personable author this year, she was so kind and signed all my books (I looked like a super fan extraordinaire... but a safe one, not a crazy)!

2.

Wally Lamb: We Are Water

What a delicious book!  I love this author!  I love how he sucks you into his stories so that all you want to do is hole up in your home and read every last page... no distractions.  The only thing that makes me sad when I finish one of his books is that I will have so long to wait before another one comes out!  This story takes place in America in the Obama era, and addresses a huge topic: Marriage Equality.  But it doesn't stop there: depression, love, incest, a flood, this book covers it all.  This book is so nicely done, I just adore it! 

I also got to see this author this year (for my second time ever).  Wally Lamb is just the most adorable man, so warm.  Who couldn't love an author and a book where the author signs:

Love Wins!  What an awesome message, what an awesome book!

3.

The Circle: Dave Eggers

If you actually follow this blog you will know that I hold Eggers up there in the same light that I hold Liz Gilbert in. They are my faves, so naturally he is going to make the list.  This book is a technology thriller, and in the spirit of a year when we find out the NSA has been listening to our phone calls, and social media just keeps expanding, and being plugged in to everyone and everything at all times is more and more the norm; I found myself routing for the main character to rage against the machine! Whether she does or not that is up to you to find out by reading this book.  If you do read the book, let's discuss!

And the honorable mention goes to...

Khaled Hosseini: And the Mountains Echoed

Not as good as his first two books, but he is a master storyteller, so even when he is not at his best he is still light years ahead of other writers.  This time he takes multiple characters and tells all their stories individually and you see how they are all connected.  Another powerful book under his belt, I can't wait for the next one!

Well, that's it!  What are some of your favorite books or albums from this year?

Worth Fighting For

Curled up on this freezing Sunday morn with "Worth Fighting For" by Lisa Niemi Swayze.  She wrote the book 6 months after her husband, Patrick Swayze, lost his battle with Pancreatic cancer.  Their previous book that they wrote during the heroic time where he lived with the disease chronicled their relationship in the most honest of lights.  So needless to say, Lisa doesn't re-hash all of that here, what she's doing is telling the story of how "there is a high price to be paid for the privilege of caring for your loved one when he's dying" and how she wouldn't trade it for anything.

There is a part so poignant when she talks about how everyone talks about divorce rates and how to cope with divorce but nobody really talks about what happens when you keep your vows and you get to the "till death do us part" promise.  No one really talks about that, how you say goodbye, how you continue living.

There is another description that I love,

"I also felt the physical evidence of this adrenaline when I worked out in our dance studio.  I felt       stronger than I had in a long time.  As if I were eighteen, my leg whooshed up with effortless intention. Magic. I sat down to play piano, and I was faster and more adept than ever...I had this feeling as if I could leap over buildings in a single bound simply...because I could.  I felt an incredible ability to overcome.  That, or crash and burn big-time!  For real, I had an incredible obstacle ahead of me.  Both Patrick and I did...it was, how do we find a way to make him live?  Yeah, just a little thing.  And it was like my body was powering up for this, streamlining for the task ahead and leaving unnecessary encumbrances behind.
Maybe it was the terrible grief I was already feeling that was pumping new energy through my veins, or maybe it was really that grief was pulling off the layers of clothing to reveal the 'authentic' me under the cloak of all things, all the personalities I've tried so hard to be.
One thing for sure.  I didn't need to be bothered with any of that stuff now.  I was traveling light."

I love how when it was time to fight, her body responded!  I love how the fight stripped everything down to what was really important and to who they were at the core!  I love that she was traveling light!

***

I'm a lucky girl, because like most girls of the 80's I had an insane crush on this woman's beautiful husband.  My bedroom wall had a giant sized poster of him splashed above my bed, I watched faithfully with my mom one season as the North & South miniseries unfolded in our living room weekly, and because I was in Utah and raised to be a prude I snuck bits and pieces of Dirty Dancing every time it was airing on HBO... feeling guilty as I watched Johnny Castle teach Baby how to dance. When I played house with my cousins and siblings often times I was married to "Patrick Swayze" (when I was taking time off from Dylan Mckay of course); and when my mom took me to see Ghost in the movie theatre I peed in my pants because I was too afraid to miss any moment of the movie, I can remember my mom tying her jacket around my waist; the point is like most girls of the 80's I was a bit obsessed. But unlike most of the other girls I actually got to meet this man.

It was November 2006, a little over a year before the Swayze's would receive the diagnosis that would change their world.  It was a cold London night, the day after America's Thanksgiving.  David and I were down in London to stay the night; grab about as nice of a Mexican meal as one could find in the whole of the UK and to see a musical.  But this wasn't any musical... this was Guys & Dolls starring... you guessed it! Patrick Swayze!  We got dinner early, and made our way over to London's West End to get to the theatre early so I could try to spot him.  Well, we were not the only ones with that idea, many people were standing outside the theatre waiting for the arrival of Mr. Swayze.  Some with tickets to the show, some without; it was a gigantic hodgepodge of touristy Americans, and adoring Brits!

Just as I was realizing that our chances of getting anything other than a passing photo with everyone else's cameras held high and flashes going off were slim to none; a security guard pulled me aside, leaned in, and whispered, "He's not coming in this way, he's coming around the back side, quietly." I looked at him as he motioned with his eyes and a nod of his head that I should walk around the corner. So we did, casually, cooly.  When we got over to the abandoned side of the building in a dark alley, I went over it with Dave.  Is this guy pulling our leg?  Did I look crazy?  Do I?  Is that why he told us to leave? What if we miss his arrival?  As I was debating what to do... (mostly with myself), a door opened and light and music spilled out into the alley.  That same guard walked through the door and told us that Patrick would be arriving in a matter of moments and that we should stay back and he would approach Patrick and see if he had a moment to stop.

Sure enough the car pulled up and I could see him in the back seat, the guard walked over, opened the back door, leaned in and said something quietly to Patrick who then looked over the guards shoulder to us standing against the wall staring back at him.  Patrick nodded and then walked towards us.  I don't remember the exact exchange of words (I was a bit star struck, but trying to act normal).  He asked if I'd like a picture? Boy did I!!! I remember thinking... Patrick Swayze has his arm around my waist.  His beautifully sculpted, lifting women out of water above his head arm around my waist!!! Is this for real? As he turned and started walking away, I stammered out one last thing, "Thank you!!! I've loved you since I was a little girl!" In hindsight this probably wasn't the best thing to say, it could make him feel old.  But he smiled, and he said, "Thank you, thank you." And it wasn't pompous, it was sincere.

***

In the book, his wife talks about how he had grown self-concious about the fact that you are only as great as your last movie in the eyes of Hollywood.  Reading the book that they wrote together and now reading this one I have a whole new appreciation for him.  Not only was he the stuff my girly dreams were made of, but he loved big!  He and his wife had a love so big and real that it truly is something worth fighting for.  All too often we settle, or we give up, or we take for granted.  I'm waiting for something worth fighting for.