Book Review

Disclaimer:  If you ever plan on reading In One Person, by John Irving, then I absolutely insist that you don’t read this posting, there will be spoilers!  And if the idea of reading a book about gay people scares the you know what out of you, then I invite you to keep reading (hopefully with an open heart and mind)!

I read a book by John Irving last year called, A Widow for One Year and I was instantly a fan.  I had also seen The Cider House Rules in theaters over a decade ago and had fallen in love with that story.  So needless to say, I knew when I read that book last year that I was not done with John Irving.  So imagine my surprise when I accompanied a co-worker to the library on campus only for her to show me her little secret:  The library actually has new release books, and most the time you can find what you are looking for because the students are too busy checking out books needed for academic purposes rather than leisurely reading.  So as I spun the new release rack around and saw the new John Irving book, I couldn’t resist!  I knew any public library would have a wait and I needed to line something up in case I ever finished that beast known as Les Miserables (I did and it was amazing).  But this is not a review of that book, for while Les Mis made a socioeconomic statement for its time, I believe John Irving’s book has the capability to leave a powerful resounding statement about the times in which we live and about an “issue” that even played a role in our last political election.

Irving’s book follows a boy (William, Bill, Billy) from his developmental years all the way through to his employment later in life at the Academy that we saw him attend as a young boy.  The boy is the narrator, and he is telling the story from his later years.  We also know that the boy becomes a writer.  We learn early on in the book that the boy feels as though he has a habit of developing crushes “on the wrong people”.  It doesn’t take long for us to learn that the boy is bi-sexual.  I knew this would be a book that would challenge me, I’m a very liberal person, but that said I have always had a hard time understanding cross dressers and transgender people and this book delves right into those topics.  I would never say that I wish any ill-will towards people that cross dress or switch sexes (obviously), I just haven’t been exposed to that culture and it leaves me feeling ignorant.  So, that said, I knew this book was going to be unlike anything I ever encountered.

In the boy’s hometown in Vermont, there are so many characters!  The way the story is written I couldn’t help but try to guess at who was gay?  Who was bi?  Who was a woman that used to be a man?  Or still has man parts but wants to be perceived and treated like a woman?  At one point, I declared to my good friend and neighbor, “I think everyone in this book is gay!”  What is the author trying to do?

I kept with it though, and I’m glad I did; because midway through I came to a chapter where the boy’s first love interest (the town librarian who is a transsexual and much older) teaches the boy a wrestling move.

“'You will one day be bullied, William,’ Miss Frost said… ‘You’re going to get pushed around, sooner or later…’” She explains to him about the cruelty that people will undoubtedly show to him at one point in his life and she teaches him a wrestling move that will hopefully be enough to fight off his opponent for a moment, if only to give him enough time to run.  In the gym watching this lesson between the teenager and his older love interest are the boy’s step-father, uncle, grandfather, his best friend (Elaine), and the wrestling coach.  While the book has its fair share of people who are upset with William because of who he is, these people (in the gym) seem to accept him and understand that Miss Frost is teaching him a lesson that might one day save his life.  Any reader of this book is also in the gym getting to see this scene unfold, and much like William’s community in the bleachers I found myself wondering as I always have before:  Why would someone want to hurt someone because of their sexual orientation?  Why are there people that are so cruel?  And it’s at this point that I realized: it no longer mattered that half the town seemed gay what mattered is that I had gotten to know these characters and had extreme amounts of compassion for their story and who they innately are.

As I continued reading I noticed that the next half of the book shifted drastically—whereas the first half seemed so sexually promiscuous, the last half was devastating—The 80’s came and with it the AIDS epidemic.  We watch as characters from William’s life pass away and we worry that he might someday die of the same thing or of a hate crime.

While we don’t ever know how William’s life ends we do get to see a lot of things come to fruition.  When a son of someone from William’s past shows up to confront him about his sexually perverse novels and how unnatural they are and how unfair it is that he fills these books with a bunch of sexually confused people only to have the readers find compassion for the characters along the way---

And it clicks!  John Irving is a genius!  He takes us as readers on that exact journey!!!  And just when I think: it is 2012, I have friends that are gay and I am liberal; I realized that I still rode the roller coaster of acceptance that John Irving so masterfully set up in what is sure to be another bestseller.

Well done!

Secret to Contentment

Recently, I was thumbing through an old moleskine notebook that I used to carry around in my bag.  I used it mostly as a gratitude journal because for a while there it was hard for me to find things I was grateful for.  I thought about starting that exercise again, and realized that I am beyond that, I could think of a million and one things to be grateful for in my life at this moment.  But every now and then on a page in the little journal there were random scribbles of things that I wanted to remember but clearly had nothing else available to write them down on except my gratitude journal.

One of the things that I wrote was interesting because it is dated 5/15 but I honestly don't know if it was 2011 or 2012.  It is the last thing that I wrote in this notebook, and here is what it says:

5/15- What would you say is the secret of contentment?
-getting rid of cravings & wants that you can't have
-aligning my will to God's will

The last part leads me to think that it must have been May 15th, 2011 which was a Sunday and I must have been at church.  I don't really know if I have or ever really will know what that last part looks like, but I do know that something must have stuck as far as that first part goes... 

Because...I really feel content lately.  I feel it's a combination of things:  living a lifestyle that is more economically aligned with my income, separating myself from people, places, and things that bring negativity into my life, and enjoying the things that I have rather than wanting for more.

Five years ago, I could blow through money (and credit) faster than anyone I know (which is why I am paying the price now).  But now, I can honestly say that there is nothing that I want for.  Books?  Nah, I can check them out at the library!  I used to believe that getting them at the library would be so difficult because you'd have to be on a dreaded wait list.  "It's new, and it's the thing all the book nerds are talking about right now--- I must have it!!!"  I can just hear the old me now!  Yeah right!  I don't know how many "New Releases" are sitting on my "haven't read... yet" shelf because I bought them and then never got around to reading them.  So instead I'm reading some of those books, I'm signing up for some of those wait lists... and they are still coming in faster than I can read them!

I also notice now how appreciative I am of things when I do get them.  Recently a friend and I went to go see a movie in the $2.00 theater and it was such a great day!  Also, my sister gave me some coupons for a bunch of free food at the grocery market and I shared that free pizza with friends while we watched the classic, "To Kill a Mockingbird".  It was a cozy night!  The best though, is my mom surprised me by buying me a sweater that I just adore!  If it had been the old me (that consumed every material item I ever wanted that I came across in person or online), I would have already owned it and it wouldn't have meant as much. 

Now a lot of these changes had to come about out of necessity.  I just simply can't afford to go out and drink every weekend, or buy every book that I want to read, or shop for new clothes when my old ones are falling apart... you get the drift.  BUT, I have finally gotten to a place where I can honestly say that I have embraced my new lifestyle and if I'm ever lucky enough to make more money there are definitely some old habits that won't be making any re-appearance.  Sure... I would like to always have a bottle of wine on stand by in my what is now empty wine rack, and I'd like to have a savings account that I could draw from when things go wrong with my car.  But, I think if I had money I would rather spend it on seeing the world rather than "stuff".  I just don't crave stuff anymore.  In other words I'm interested in accumulating experiences rather than belongings.

And I'm learning to not want things that I can't have, and by this I mean...I'm learning to accept where I am right now in this moment and to not want to have my life be the way it used to be and I'm not wigging out that it isn't the way I want it to be in the future.  Standing still in this moment and being grateful for the things I have has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, but I finally feel as though I'm mastering it.  I used to feel that being content where I was would lead to me not having any goals or striving to be any better, I know now that these two are not intrinsic.  I can be grateful and content and I can still have goals; my goals just don't need to make me miserable in the meantime.  So what's on the menu for today-  A big bowl of angst, or a party platter of contentment???  "I'll take the contentment, please!"

♫ When I Listen To...

                                                                              David Gray

I am in the passenger seat of Tookie, also known as my friend Janet's Hyundai Tucson.  Janet is driving, the windows are down and there is a perfect breeze, one of those kinds that makes you feel like a teenager again, like at any moment you are going to put your hand out there in the wind and let it ride the waves.  Janet knows how to drive with a confidence that I always lacked; the smaller roads, the blind curves mixed with the rolling hills never so much as cause a flinch or one moment of hesitation.  Of course Tookie is American, so I being in the passenger seat am the one that could be clipped by any small oncoming British car driving 100 mph around the bend.  As I flinch at another "close call", I look at Janet who has a smile that is sunshine, her smile is the biggest of southern welcomes; and when I am in her presence I know that I am in the presence of a person with the most gentlest of spirits and this always puts me at ease.

Nuzzled up in the backseat directly behind Janet is Brandi.  Brandi's hair shines in the late day sun, she closes her eyes when the breeze blows in her face, sweeping her long hair behind her shoulders.  I hope that she is taking it all in; I hope she is getting it, I hope she is getting me.

"Babylon" comes on our adventure mix as Janet takes another bend.  I can't help but think of Pretty Woman and the line, "corners like it's on rails."  That's how Janet drives.

♫ Friday night I'm going nowhere, all the lights are changing green to red.

Around the bend we come to an expansive field of green, I want to say that it was almost like a cabbage patch; whether it was or not, I'm not sure.  Almost as if on cue, Brandi enthusiastically says, "Pull over!"  She slides across the backseat, opens her door, and crosses both lanes of what for a moment is an empty English motorway; and in a moment that I will never forget, she starts spinning around in this field, her arms open wide!

♫ Let go of your heart, Let go of your head... And feel it now

In my memory, I always see her twirling in that garden in slow motion.  She gets it!  As the song is winding down, my beautiful English sun is getting closer to setting, and our trip is one more bittersweet moment towards the end; Brandi crosses the street once more, slides back along the backseat, buckles her seatbelt.  Janet puts the car in drive, checks her mirrors, turns on her blinker and gets back on the road.

And David Gray sings on.

Romance

This Thanksgiving week I was lucky enough to get to meet up for dinner and a movie with one of my oldest friends that lives out of town but was home for the holiday.

Here we are:  Me and Miss Eden (again, this is just one of my favorite pics of us--- it wasn't from this weekend though)

We were talking about the movie Brave and I stated that I liked the direction Disney was going in with their female characters.  Eden told me that she missed the classic Disney characters.  I quickly went on a rant about what was Disney teaching little girls back then... that your life is miserable and that you are doomed until your Prince Charming comes along and then at last all is perfect and right with the world?

Eden being the eternal romantic that she is quickly called my rant out for what it was:  "Karstee, you sound so jaded right now!"

We had a laugh and then we left it at that.

The next night I was cozying up in bed reading Les Miserables when I came upon this little jem:

"The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in.  Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other.  Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only.  The rest is the rest, and comes afterwards."

I love this... and this is how I know that I am not as jaded as I sometimes come across.  Just as I made the argument last February with an old co-worker about what constitutes romance, I believe I am a student of the most old fashioned kind of romance, but with a modern idea of self.  You will never find me looking for love on a dating website, I will never think that a husband helping with the dishes is romantic (isn't that just common courtesy?); but I also don't think that a man comes along and everything is complete and you drive off into the sunset with birds chirping happily up in their branches and the sun setting on the previous life that you leave behind just because you've found your guy!

I do however believe in romance.  I also believe in myself.  I believe that I will find a man that complements me not completes me.

The point of this post is just to simply serve as a reminder:  You are looking for something rare, and those things take time and work!  In the meanwhile, keep believing in and cultivating your romantic side, tone down the jaded cynicism, but keep a healthy dose of realism!

Grateful

                                                    ♫ "You should listen to your heart
                                                      It's going to tell you what you need
                                                     Take care of yourself
                                                    And don't you worry about me" ♪

About a month ago I got to meet one of my favorite singer-songwriters: Tristan Prettyman!  I had left a comment on one of her pictures on instagram, welcoming her to Denver and saying that I wished I could be at her show but only had enough money budgeted for her album.  Lo and behold, she responded within minutes telling me she'd put me on her guest list.  It was amazing, and her performance was great!  I got to meet her after the show and I was so happy!

 

Sit back, because I am about to tell you why I am so starstruck by this amazing person! 

The first time that I saw Tristan Prettyman perform was in 2008, my dear friend Andrea asked if I wanted to venture out to Boulder to see Tristan's show.  I had seen Tristan's name on iTunes but had never listened to any of her music before that night.  She was amazing live!  I fell in love with her music and oddly enough her whole vibe!  The lyrics, the crowd interaction, the way the people in the crowd danced (which I started calling hippie dancing).  It was magical.

That night after the show my friend and I were driving back home from Boulder and it was snowing a blizzard!  David called while we were driving and it was a short conversation since I was driving and it was snowing, I didn't know it at the time but it was one of the very last conversations I would have with him.  I didn't know that my whole world was about to flip turn upside down and I didn't know that the friend sitting next to me in the passenger seat (that I had just barely reconnected with) was going to be one of my rocks over the next few years.

** Here's a pic of us (doesn't have anything to do with anything in this post, other than it is just my favorite pic of us, it's blurry, but I still love it!):

I also, didn't know that Tristan Prettyman was going to be a rock of a different kind.  Listening to her music was therapeutic, yes there was a song that I used in an indulgent way that made me dwell on things (♪ And if this sadness won't ever leave, I guess I'll build it a home so it has a nice place to stay), but at the time that was what I needed.  And when I moved into a different phase of grieving or letting go or fooled myself with inappropriate crushes (♪ I've seen things from a different view, and I realized all the things I already knew-- your not for me, you know I don't think that you'll ever be good for me, or ♫ Well I just want to laugh my way through life, and ♪ Gonna let it all roll right past me cause when I'm here I'm always happy), I'd find a new song of hers that spoke to me in that phase!

With her latest album, I feel like I have been invested in her own journey.  Through her blog and through her instagram she shares so much of her story and how she got to the lyrics that manifested themselves into an album!

Tristan is the walking embodiment of how good "letting go" looks!  Letting go of the things that have been done to us, the wrongs that people commit against us, and all the negative stuff that can build up.  She channels it into writing, into giving, into yoga, and who knows what else?

I know that I have been processing stuff that went down in 2008 for what seems like FOREVER!  If it feels like that to you guys, my 9 readers, trust me it feels double that to my own self.  Nothing is more frustrating than holding yourself to other people's timelines,  or to feel like you are never making progress, or to feel like this one thing is going to destroy you if you can not figure out how to let go of it,  or to finally feel like you are making progress only to have a setback out of the blue.  Lately though, I feel like I finally get it.  That same friend that I went to Tristan's show with in 2008 recently met up with me for a coffee, she told me something along the lines of... "You are never going to be able to bury it, it's always going to resurface in one way or another so quit trying to bury it... what happened is a part of you."

So when Tristan asks, ♫ "If you could go anywhere, what would you see?  Take a step in any direction... just make believe!" I can see where I want to go, and I know it's within reach, and I know that along the journey I will have a good soundtrack and really good company!

Gardening

"such gardens are not made, by singing: 'Oh, how beautiful!' and sitting in the shade"- Rudyard Kipling

Ever since I moved to Boulder County over a year ago, I haven't been able to make it down to my church in Aurora that often, however, thanks to technology I haven't missed a beat!  I am able to download the podcasts of the sermons and listen to them on my phone sometime throughout the week.  Well, there was a sermon a few weeks ago that has been resonating ever since I heard it.  The sermon was based around the scripture that says, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."  Special emphasis was placed on the word kept, by the end of the sermon the Pastor was talking about the state of our souls and how we "keep" them.  He compared it to a garden and asked us to ask ourselves--- What season of gardening is your soul in?  Is it harvest season?  Is it planting season?  Are you in full bloom???  He asked us to determine what season we were in and then to really work on honoring that season.

On a subconscious level I have been pondering this question ever since he posed it.  And yesterday I found my answer!  Yesterday was one of those great Fall days, where the temperature is just right!  I had decided to spend this weekend down in Aurora for many reasons, but Saturday was just kind of a blank slate... I didn't really know what the day was going to bring.  What it brought was.... gardening!!!!  My mom had to be outside staining her fence all day, and I knew that was a task that I would grow impatient with so I thought... How can I help my mom out?  I looked around and noticed that a lot of the plants that had flowered had now dried up and needed to be cut back.  The tall wheat grass plants had long reached the highest that they would see for the year and were now drooping over covering pumpkin vines and other assorted plants.  I noticed that her garden had zucchini and tomatoes that were ripe and could be picked.  I noticed that my very own rhubarb plant had grown like wild and had been left unattended and many of the heavy leaves were now weighing the plant down.  I thought, what a great chance to help my mom out and to get to spend some time outdoors with her and to get my hands dirty with the "brown moist earth" as Sal Paradise once called it.

As I picked the veggies out of the garden... I thought... am I in a producing, "harvesty" season?  No....
As I enjoyed the plants that still were blooming... I thought... I'm definitely not in a blooming phase!
Am I in a planting phase?  No.  What I need is there somewhere.... it has already been planted.
But as I sat there and I cut back the plants that have already turned brown and I thought of how great they had been when in bloom and how they would be again next year... I thought this is EXACTLY what season I'm in!!!  I'm in PRUNING season!  Now, the next step is to honor that season!

So... since I was down in Aurora I thought, this has been such a great weekend so to top it off before the Broncos come on, I'm going to go to church Sunday morning!  So I did, and again the topic couldn't have been better because it was about the sower parable.  Needless to say we talked about seeds and soil.  This parable talks about a farmer that throws down many seeds, some get eaten by birds, some are on such dry soil that when the plant grows it quickly withers because the roots weren't able to take hold, some seeds turn into plants that get smothered because they are planted in a garden of thorns, and then some plants are in soil that allows them to flourish and to produce many times over.  Unfortunately in the past month or so I haven't been feeling like I was in the previous months where I felt I was on the cusp of major growth.  This weekend though has given me hope that I can identify the thorns in my garden, that I can cut back some of the "dead" leaves, and that I can honor my pruning season so that next year my garden can bloom & produce a harvest!

Acclamation & Motivation

I've been in my new place for 3 weeks today, it's cozy and I love it, even the imperfections.  There are windows that if I'm home then they are open- letting the sunlight and fresh air in, and then there are some windows that I've covered in curtains.  When I look out the open windows all I can see are trees, prompting the others in the complex to label my apartment "the treehouse", and even further upon seeing my style and taste calling it, "la treehouse" or as a French co-worker of mine clarified, "la cabane dans les arbres".  There is no TV, and there are a lot of books!  Not to say that when my friend that lives below me isn't home I'm not hopping on the internet to catch up on some show or another.  The kitchen still hasn't seen me cook a serious meal, and the bath tub still feels like someone else's (so needless to say, there have been no book/wine/jazz nights in the tub), the bathroom still hasn't seen me put on a full face of make up or actually do something to my hair besides the wash, scrunch, and go!

What I'm saying is that even though I'm in a new place and so much has changed- in some ways nothing really has.  I feel like a vagabond with each foot in a different world.  I guess that in some ways I'm still the girl that wants a dark bedroom, I'm also not ready to give up TV 100%, and I still haven't learned how to cook a proper meal for one.  On the other "foot" I'm meeting people that I never would have met before, I'm pushing myself on some of my OCD boundaries that I never really knew had such a strong hold on me.

While I'm extremely happy with the progress I've been making I felt like I was having a bit of a setback at first--- It probably didn't help matters that I moved out on my own for the very first time in my life about the same time that I was approaching my divorce/wedding anniversary.  When this day comes along I always analyze and criticize myself for where I am in life, and this year was no different.  So... this has me thinking- what can I do differently this year so that next year come August I don't even think about the fact that however many years ago I got married, or however many years ago I got divorced?

There is something that I realize I must master in order to ever move on and let go (and by this I don't mean from the actual person I was once married to, I mean from the disappointments and beliefs that I let myself turn into bigger issues than they ever should have been).

                                       I have got to learn to love myself and treat my body better than I do.

If I walk around believing that no man will ever love me again and that I'm not worth it because I have bad ovaries, then that is exactly what is going to happen.  Or worse... I'll find an equally sad individual to chip away at time together with and never actually feel what it's like to live boldly and passionately.  I have been walking around in a shell for 4 years, but really even longer than that and it is absolutely time to do something about it.

Pause... I NEED to go for a jog/walk.

I kid you not, this just happened.  I put on my jogging shorts and my nice running shoes that my brother bought me, and of course a pair of adidas knee socks (in my thinner days I loved to wear knee socks and in some ways my love affair with knee socks has never went away-  while my calves are double the size they once were when I slip a pair of knee socks on I instantly feel like an athlete).  Anyway, so I decided to go the route that a friend of mine mapped out for me (1 mile), the instant I started to jog I noticed 3 teenagers approaching me on the same side of the street that I was.  As we got closer and closer I could see that they looked like they could have just jumped out of Rolling Stone magazine circa the Seattle grunge era.  My mind was racing-- Should I stop jogging?  Cross the street?  Are they going to make fun of me shattering any trace of confidence that I might have remaining???  Shoot! My shorts are riding up?  What to do?  I decided to keep jogging and jog right past them with a half smile so as to let them know- I'm fragile, I'm nice, and I'm just trying to fit in this world just like you.  The first two didn't even make eye contact and the third one smiled back, lifted his fist in the air, and said genuinely, "keep up the good work".  Sigh!!!!  It gave me the motivation to run twice as far as I did last time before my lungs were crying for me to stop and my shins thought they might explode!  Thank you kid!!!

August 29th

you gave me...

daisies at a metro stop in paris
coffee and books on foggy sunday mornings
bare feet dancing on a stone tiled kitchen floor
silly nicknames--
     such as "blueberry muffin" and "my lady"
the most beautiful letdown of pro-creating endeavors
a perfect panino after a long bus ride to taormina
your arm as we perused the rainy moss covered streets of england
mornings of being awakened by--
      scratchy beard nudges, the smell of your cologne, and whispers of "you're my favorite person"

you gave me a proposal of marriage on historical steps beneath the words "enshrined forever"
hmm

Who's That Girl???

Ok ok... so I'm still not the greatest photographer in the world... but can I just say I was having a wee bit of an excited kind of anxiety attack!!!  I just got to round out what I've been calling my Clinton Administration Trifecta!!!  (Meaning I have now gotten books signed by President Clinton, Vice President Gore, and now Madam Secretary Albright... I freakin' rule!)  Ok... I'm a bit of a nerd, but can I just say.... WOW!!!!

Growing up there were 3 women that I always paid attention to (before Hillary that is) and they were Margaret Thatcher, Sandra Day O'Connor, and Madeleine Albright!  As a student of history from a very young age and an enthusiast of politics, I knew that these women were women that broke the mold.  But hearing this eloquent, informed, and hilariously charming woman speak in person is a memory I will always cherish.  The accomplishments this woman has achieved really helps give my life a little perspective:  Why do I get so stressed out and doubt myself so much in my role as an assistant???  For Pete's sake, I'm a competent girl, and it's not like I'm sitting down at a table with a bunch of men that are committing genocide and trying to negotiate with them!  It's time I start owning up to the fact that I am capable and that I am smart and that if I don't believe I can do it, then no one else will either!

Madeleine was discussing her book Prague Winter, she spent a lot of time talking about what it was like to come to Denver as a refugee when she was a small girl and about her time growing up in Colorado.  She talked about her father and how he worked for the University of Denver and how he founded the Graduate School of International Studies at DU.  She also talked about how she always loved History and Political Science, and about some of her studies throughout her PhD program.  She currently teaches International Relations courses at Georgetown University.  One thing I found really interesting are her opinions on religion and how it is so important when it comes to foreign policy.

Listening to her talk I felt jazzed!  I work in International Education, I love History, this stuff is right up my alley!  I think it is time to get serious and really figure out what is the next degree that I want to try for.  I gave a half hearted attempt at a Master's in History last year and after some advising, I can see that if I want a career in higher education, it's not necessarily the best route...although it is has always been a dream of mine.  However, lately I've been intrigued with International Relations just because of my own background and because of my new position at work.  Perhaps it is time to do some research!

Thank you Madeleine for making it the "norm" that women hold the Secretary of State position, and thank you for continuing to inspire girls everywhere from their youthful years into their adult careers!  I am awake!!!

....Starring....

A few months ago I was laying in bed and I had an awful realization.  I realized that I have a ton of friends.  Hold it, that's not the awful part.  I realized that my schedule was constantly busy because I keep up with people from all walks of my life and it was becoming exhausting.  Still... this is not the awful part.  I would grab coffee with this friend, get dinner at the usual spot with this gal pal, take a stroll around Wash Park with my old room-mate, have dinner and a movie night with this friend and her family, meet for breakfast with this old co-worker, have a birthday dinner with the girls, etc, etc, etc.  And then the cycle would inevitably wrap up and it would be time to start re-scheduling all these events once more.  The whole thing is about a 3-5 month cycle.  I started wondering what all these people are doing with their lives when they are not with me, and when I really thought about it this was the awful realization:  They are living their lives.  Good for them!  But what does that say about me?  I am a friend that they see every three months or so, and for me they are another person in a string of people that I keep up with and this is my life!!

I thought about it as if it were a movie, what role do I play in these people's life, in the credits at the end of their movies starring them:

Karstee Davis...........................................................................................................................as an Extra

There you have it!  Depressing!  I thought of all of these people that I adore doing the same thing as me at that very moment... laying in bed... except they are with their spouses, their fiances, some of them with their children.  Some of the more ambitious ones were probably already up and off at boot camp.  They are planning their days...

Now don't get me wrong I don't feel sad because I wake up in my bed alone, and I don't envy these people or their happiness.  I love them, I want them to be happy.

But I also want me to be happy.  And yes, I love that they are all in my life, but I just wanted to level the playing field.  I thought about how much effort I put into these friendships and how much I get back.  Yes, I realize that I am the one that got up and moved to Boulder, but did that really mean that I needed to be driving down to Denver or Aurora every other day?

My little brother points out every holiday how his family (his wife and their sons) are his main focus and that sometimes they just want to spend a holiday with just them.  I think about my other siblings, and what happens when they find people and make their own lives... will they feel the same way?  What happens to me when I've made all these people my people and they all have their own people?

I know it seems as though I am getting ahead of myself... but why wait until it's too late???  I started to get anxiety picturing that someday I would be the last of my siblings still not married and that I would get the pity invites to their Thanksgiving dinners.  I could picture the arguments they would have with their spouses before I got there:

"She's my sister and she has no where else to go!"

Oy vey!
Quick:  How do I become the star of my own life???

Well, first thing is first, I needed to decide... Denver or Boulder?  Boulder.  I've been doing the same thing for 4 years in Denver and it hasn't gotten me anywhere closer to my goals.
Secondly, I need to find out what makes me happy, (without society and everyone else's definitions).
Third, I need to find balance:  While I don't want to make everyone else's life and time more important than my own, I also don't want to isolate myself so much that I end up even more alone than where I started.
And lastly, I need to be honest with myself about what I want.  Running from things and denying what I want clearly is not working for me.

So... what happens when a person finds themselves with more free time and a clearer definition of what they want out of life?

Stay tuned....

Haymarket

On my bridge connecting an archer and lions
Inside a snow globe of glittering night lights
Holding hands
you complimented my scarf
A peddler approached
"A rose for your love?"
You bought one
Even though we had places to go
and it would wither

Twice you bought me a rose there
Both times under dark November skies
What a difference a year made
On a cold stoop step
"What do you want from me?"
Your hand ran through your hair
A peddler approached
An obligatory exchange
The winter air was so sharp

Warm light spilled out of the souvenir shop
The bells on the door jingled
A smile bound towards us like the sun
Her hands full of gifts
"Oh how romantic!"
She exclaimed,
"He bought you a rose?"
Yes
We smiled uncomfortably

The next time my eyes would see Haymarket
it would be drenched in the sunlight

Perspective

By far one of my favorite books that I have read so far in 2012 was a collection of poems called Love, An Index by Rebecca Lindenberg.  Lindenberg's collection has a theme:  it is solely focused on her relationship with her partner Craig Arnold (also a poet) and the process of mourning his death (Arnold disappeared in 2009 while hiking a volcano in Japan).

My favorite poem in the book was a short one, here it is:

You give me an apartment full of morning smells-
toasted bagel and black coffee
and the freckled lilies in the vase on the windowsill.
You give me 24-across.

That's it!  But it is amazing!!!!  This little 4 liner poem has stirred up so much emotion!  I first read it in February and I am still thinking about it!  At first, perhaps because I read it during the week of Valentine's Day, it made me sad.  It made me miss a time when I had Sunday mornings like this one.  But the longer this poem stays with me the longer the sadness is morphing into something new: HOPE.

Good Morning!

Learning to Dance Again...

One of my favorite lines from the film adaptation of the book "Eat, Pray, Love" is when the character Richard from Texas tells Liz:  "Groceries, I think you have the capacity someday to love the whole world."  Isn't that great?  I feel like I'm on that path.  Lately I've just been having so many experiences where I can feel all the sadness, the baggage, and the crap leaving!  As one of my new friends said, "You are processing!!!"  For instance, last night I danced (albeit somewhat guarded and under the influence of alcohol), but still.... I danced.... in front of people that I'm not related to.  I hadn't done that in years!  It felt so good to do something that used to make me so happy, sweating and shaking out all the bad stuff and just getting down with my nerdy self!

About a month ago, I had an experience that was so awesome that when I think about it I still can not believe that it happened; it was a Friday night and my group of friends in the Boulder area and myself decided to celebrate my transitioning offices by having a sleepover.  Cosmopolitans were had, among other things... and then we rolled out our yoga mats and plugged in a video.  It felt so good; the night air blowing through the screens, and stretching every muscle, and breathing with intent of clearing out my mind and just being still.  Afterwards, my friends brought up this nifty toy called an inversion table.  I didn't trust it at all.  I stared at this contraption and immediately decided that I would not be participating.  One friend hopped on and her husband flipped the table gently over with her on it and before I knew it she was hanging upside down by her feet.  A minute later she flipped back up and smiled and got off like it was no big deal.  Next, another friend hops right on and same thing, she flips, hangs, flips back and moves on.  After seeing them I decided that it was safe and that I wasn't going to break the machine, so with a little coaxing I decided to give it a go.  Immediately upon being strapped in, I was regretting my decision.  I even voiced out loud that I didn't trust people, that I was scared and so to please be careful!  All of that melted away the second I was hanging upside down.  To feel what it would feel like to not be carrying around all this extra weight, all this extra baggage was overwhelming!  It felt so good!!!!  Of course I started crying, because that's what I do.  It felt like all of the stress of the past 4 years had lifted off of my bones, my mind felt clear, and all I knew was that I never wanted to stop feeling like this.  It felt so amazing to remember what it felt like to be carefree, un-jaded, and weightless.  It made me realize how exciting it would be to just let go and that if by letting go of all that old stuff, what would that leave room for in my life?  What endless possibilities of amazingness could rush in to fill all the spaces that regret, fear, and self doubt have been inhabiting within me???

Another  important event happened a couple of weeks ago, I attended church for the first time in roughly a year.  I did not realize how much I had been needing to go.  I knew I was going to be emotional and when I realized that much of the service was going to be focused on praying, I knew the water works were going to start flowing!  Prayer has always made me emotional, sometimes I think it's because I used to wish so badly that I could believe with all of my heart that just by asking or thanking or talking it out with a higher power that things would get better.  Sometimes I just get overcome by the enormity of it all; that for thousands of years people have believed in something bigger than them, that wars have been fought over it, and that people of different languages talk to the same power;  something that provides so much unity and at the same time so much division.  Going to church sometimes serves as a grounding mechanism for me, I find my feet again and plant them in my beliefs, and the person I am, and the one I'm becoming.  When I'm there I'm reminded that I am unique and loved, and that I have the capability and the opportunity to treat everyone I come in contact with in that same way.

A few years ago at church, Pastor Robert gave a sermon that stuck with me.  It was about how we go through life and as things happen to us we put our guard up, we build our walls.  He likened it to running.  Some people when they run put their hands up in front of their chest, almost like they are boxing, it's a very defensive stance and really is ineffective; because the best thing a runner can do is run with their arms down, this allows their chest to open up and they in turn can breathe easier.  Pastor Robert said that many of us were due for a Renaissance of the Heart, taking something that was once old and making it new again.  I remember thinking at the time, that it was me he was talking to, that out of anyone I could think of I needed a proverbial new heart more than anyone.  Little did I know, that I was not ready.  I needed to sit with that pain for a lot longer.  For four years now in the words of Laura Marling I've been, "cleaning all the crap out of my rooms, trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue."  And what I've realized is that what makes me blue is that I have sat around for 4 years learning how to let go!  I have finally grasped that what I needed all along was ACTION!  Enough analyzing!!!  Dance, trust again, hang upside down, and love the whole world!



“It feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same; settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked around in this place, at the chaos its endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured that maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic; it’s just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation… We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."   -Elizabeth Gilbert

Noise

Recently I decided to take a "facation" from Facebook.  I had done it once before and was jonesing for it during every dull minute of my day; sitting at red lights I would pick up my phone to swipe a refresh only to remember that I no longer had a facebook.  I was curious, I missed knowing what everyone was up to, I missed pictures, I fell behind in the news.  It only took about two weeks before I just couldn't take it any longer and had to sign back in and reactivate my account.

Well, about a month ago a friend and I decided that it was time again.  We were having a long talk over coffee about how ridiculous facebook is because people try to portray their lives as perfect.  I'll admit that sometimes seeing that so and so is going on their 14th vacation for the year can become a little obnoxious, among other things (and I fully admit that my song lyric posts can be equally annoying to many).  In an act of solidarity my friend and I de-activated our accounts right there and then!  And I can honestly say that this go around was completely different than before.  I didn't even miss it!  I welcomed the stillness that comes when not filling every minute of the day with extra noise.  I'll use an online physics definition of the word noise to better clarify what I mean:  "A disturbance, especially a random and persistent disturbance, that obscures or reduces the clarity of a signal."  This may seem strange to some, but facebook is a noise that persistently disturbs and reduces the clarity of my signal.  I find when I use it I'm like an addict, I'm frazzled, disjointed, and completely out of tune with what is best for me. 

On my most recent "facation" I learned that the price of keeping up with every person I've ever known and having access to every picture of the past few years of my life is not worth the cost and the irreparable harm I'm causing for myself in the long run.  A very wise person told me to let go of facebook because it could stunt my growth, and I never realized quite how true this was until I did the unthinkable and after my month of bliss I logged back in and reactivated (Will I ever learn)????  Between the facebook, text messaging, personal email, and work email my phone was buzzing every 5 seconds (dramatization)!!!  In a little over 24 hours, I deactivated once more (yes, I am now that person) and I can honestly say that I don't imagine I will ever go back again.

In this crazy day and age when everyone is so "connected", I think it is nice to take a step back, focus on myself, learn to be comfortable in the moments of silence, clear my mind, and learn who I am and what I want when I'm not constantly being bombarded and distracted with noise.  To quote Adele, "I can't keep up with your turning tables, under your thumb, I can't breathe!"  So with that said... good bye facebook, and hello good old fashioned fresh air! 

Haiku

(2000)

Fingers in my throat
I kneel on the bathroom floor
Regurgitation

Crossroads... Again!

In 2008 I wrote the following entry into a notebook:

They say that pregnant women will crave food that contains nutrients and vitamins that their body and their baby need to stay healthy, something like that happened to me once, only I wasn't pregnant and it wasn't food that I was craving.  I was reading along in a Kerouac novel and the main character was describing what it was like to pick cotton in a field, he said, "it was beautiful kneeling and hiding in that earth," and that he would lay with his "face on the pillow of brown moist earth."  As I read this, I felt a tinge of anxiety, just a small uneasiness deep within my gut that whispered, "I want that."  I thought for a moment... When was the last time I had laid on the grass without a blanket?  It must have been in my teenage years.  Suddenly, the gnawing whisper became a scream; I too wanted the earth, the dirt, the fields, the breeze... but mostly I craved the freedom that it entails.  The feelings and the way of life that one leads when they are one with the earth.  

In the years between my youthful innocent future of possibilities and my married young adult cage of no direction I had lost something; apparently I had lost the ability to lie in the grass and relax but it was more that that.  I had become a person that flinched at the flutter of pigeons on the sidewalks in London, I avoided pathways in Hyde Park if there were too many squirrels, and I preferred not to vacation in sunny spots because that would lead to perspiration.  You see, nature aside, in the time between my teenage years and my mid to late twenties I had gained close to 100 pounds.  I found comfort in all the wrong places, like behind my cardboard wrapped Starbuck's coffee cup which I carried like a shield, in my right hand, elbow bent at a 45 degree angle: carrying it as if it were some sort of pass into the upper echelon of society, when in reality every person in suburbia had a pass.  I found comfort in shopping for DVD's and going to dark movie theaters (as long as I avoided the theaters with the older seats that hadn't been re-modeled to fit America's "bigger" lifestyle). Movies which had once been a fun outing to do on a night when nothing was going on, had now become my favorite thing to do because I could still go out and yet remain invisible.  My shelves of DVD's at home expanded to the point where even I was disgusted with myself.  What a bunch of waste!  Mass consumerism at its worst!  I once saw two different pictures in college: one was of a family in America with all their belongings... the heaps and piles of gadgets filled the picture.  The next picture showed a family in Africa and all their belongings and all they owned were the necessities.  The book compared the two families ecological footprints, it made me evaluate the waste in my own house and my own impact on the environment.  In my mind, it always came back to that never ending wall of DVD's.

As I sat there evaluating every facet of my life, I felt the urgency of NOW!  I had moments like this before but not nearly as strong or life threatening.  I felt like if I wasted one more minute being this person I was going to die.  Sure all of these traits and habits are not bad individually, but the culmination of everything that made me who I was in that moment was someone that I could no longer bare to be.

Don't get me wrong, not everything in life was a wreck, but everything in it certainly had the potential to be.   I was married to the most pure good hearted man that I had ever met, and for some reason he loved me.  I often wondered though if he was growing faster than I was?  How could he not be? If I didn't change, would he leave me?  How had I become this?  Was this really me?  Is this who I was destined to be?  If I really wanted to, could I change?  Would he and the other people in my life let me change?  

All of this questioning, searching, and re-evaluating came to me as crazy as it sounds after a few lines from a Kerouac novel.   

2012:

Not that it is a big surprise to anyone; but that man did leave me.  Much has gone on between that time and now, and this is not an entry to re-hash all of that but really this is more of a self check and an alert to myself: DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY TO GROW!!!  Seize the moment to shape who you have been craving to be for years!  In so many ways I feel like the same lost girl as in the description above- I'm still afraid of birds, I still own too much stuff (although every year since 2008 I have downsized my life in remarkable amounts), but mostly I am still 100 pounds overweight.

What is different then you might be wondering???  Well, first and foremost I would never in my life put myself in a "cage of no direction" again!!!  And, while I may be afraid of birds, I can honestly say I've laid in the grass, I've hiked in the mountains, I've put my feet in mossy streams, and I've smelled the flowers!

And for the first time since 2008 I have an opportunity before me to finally put words into action!  With the help of friends, I have found an apartment that is Kerouacian in every regard!  A little slice of bohemian heaven!  While not everything about this place is perfect, it has all the right elements to feel like a San Francisco Beatnik apartment in the 1950's or a loft in Paris that the Lost Generation would have occupied during the 1920's.  In other words, I'm in love with it (or at least the idea of it).  Herein lies the problem... up until now I have been all talk and yes, while there has been transitioning there has not been any transformation of any considerable amount.  This apartment is going to force me to down size, there is no way around it... and while there are moments that make me sad when I think of how much my life has changed, I have to remember... IT'S JUST STUFF!!!!  How long are you going to allow yourself to be weighed down by stuff (materialistically, physically, spiritually)?

Goals:

-Sell some big pieces of furniture

-Don't take TV??  (Finally make true on that goal of giving up shows you've already seen before)

-Depending on the temperature variance from season to season:  Perhaps don't put up any curtains??  Let the light in!!!  Enjoy the big trees right outside your tiny little windows!  

-No buying books until I've read all that I own.  (No TV would really help with this goal)

-Walk!  Walk, walk, walk... RUN!  (perhaps save money by walking to the bus, and taking that into  Boulder)

-Eat more organically

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Who Am I?

Who am I? I love songs with meaningful lyrics. I like to watch old, foreign, or independent movies. My favorite sounds are the harmonica, the ukulele, and acoustic guitars. I love Autumn, and Spring is a close second. One of the sweetest moments in my life involved strawberries, sunshine, a street performer, and a cathedral. Events with rain always rank high in my book. I fall in love with travel books--- in my world Jack Kerouac is a God, and Elizabeth Gilbert is a role model. I move, every year... it's what I do, my Grandma once called me a "gypsy". I like that she sees me that way. I drink wine and I dance around my living room; I do and say things sometimes that are so weird that my little sister always says, "I never thought when I was little that people in their 30's would act this way". I like to cook because measurements don't have to be exact, and I dislike baking because of all the rules (yet I love to buy baking pans). Lattes are a break in my day that bring back old people and places, and that is why I can not quit them. I used to be a runner, and I know she's still in there somewhere. I am constantly searching myself to find what I can improve. I'd like to learn to take simple pictures, to play simple songs. To be a person that does yoga. To be a person that dances, not just in my kitchen and living room, but everywhere! I listen to Jazz, and take long bubble baths. If I get into the last 100 pages of a book I can not go to bed until I finish it, even if it is a work night. I have a large capacity to feel extreme amounts of empathy for the human condition; when I hear of injustices in the world, I actually feel a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat; I want to participate and make a change in the world but often times don't know where to start or how to begin besides just being a better human being. I am trying to learn balance, how to just be, and the graceful art of letting go. I like the mountains, but I love big cities! I love the History, the culture, the places that you find when you've been in a place long enough that you are no longer a tourist. I still am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I want to write, and need to make time for that in my life. I have a clear idea of the kind of person I am becoming and the person I want to be- I seek independence more than anything. I am constantly in a state of self reflection. I am scared of making the same mistakes twice. I always seek change, believing with all of my soul that change leads to growth.

Thirteens

I love when for whatever reason I decide to re-visit an album that originally did not strike a resounding chord with me. This rare scenario has happened to me recently with Leona Naess' Thirteens album. I bought the album when it came out in 2008 and after a couple of spins I wrote the record off to the "I'll never listen to this again pile of albums that is always expanding due to my thirst for something new yet nothing seems to satisfy the craving approach to music."

Well, in recent months the stars aligned just right and I have stumbled back onto this album and I could not be more thrilled. It is quickly becoming one of my all time favorites! For one, I finally understand the title: Thirteens- my interpretation is that it is the state of being that a single woman in her thirties occupies. You are not a teenager (Thank God!) which means that you don't get butterflies in the same way that you used to (you know better than that by now), but you do get dressed up for nights on the town with girlfriends and in the same way that you did when you were younger you set out with the excitement of not knowing where the night may lead. Of course the older we get the more that our friendships will change as friends do meet significant others and move into another phase of life, and while this can leave a bittersweet taste and lingering feelings of indifference, it is nice to remember that the ride leading up to wedded bliss can also be just as rewarding.

While this album does have it's fair share of sad undertones, on the whole it makes me feel like these are the greatest times and that someday I'm going to look back on it all and really miss this time in particular. Face it, if you combine your single thirties and your idyllic teens you get the best of both worlds: all the passion and zest, but also the common sense and freedom that being an adult brings to your life.

A little taste of some of my favorite highlights:

"These are the best days of your life

Dinner parties and friends and no one's wife"

"Storms are brewing and we're heading for the change

Friends will marry and move away"

"You're not the same girl who

Writes love songs and means them

You're not the same girl who

Has butterflies and believes them"

"Dive dive down in the deep dark waters

Swim your body to me

Look for shelter in the caves of Gibraltar

Maybe some pearls for me"

"I can't tell you that I won't hurt you,

But I promise to try"

"Take my lips and place them upon you

Catch my eyes and let them design you

Grab these arms and wrap them around you

Shake these hips and let them persuade you

Take my songs they're always about you"

"So let's go out late,

drink a lot

stay up past 8

and then dance,

DANCE all night

and leave our boyfriends behind"

"Gonna get it right

Gonna put lipstick on tonight

Gonna wear that dress

The one that shows my legs"

"Do I pull my hair up?

Or shake it out?

Put it in a bow?

Or leave it down?"

"Can I take you home? Maybe take you out?

When we're drunk a little less

We can drink some more"

When I listen to this album I can't help but think of all the potential that life has to offer to a single gal in her 30's! This album inspires me to start eating better and get my body moving so that I can enjoy my 30's to the fullest! Here's to being single and fabulous, exclamation point!