August 29th

you gave me...

daisies at a metro stop in paris
coffee and books on foggy sunday mornings
bare feet dancing on a stone tiled kitchen floor
silly nicknames--
     such as "blueberry muffin" and "my lady"
the most beautiful letdown of pro-creating endeavors
a perfect panino after a long bus ride to taormina
your arm as we perused the rainy moss covered streets of england
mornings of being awakened by--
      scratchy beard nudges, the smell of your cologne, and whispers of "you're my favorite person"

you gave me a proposal of marriage on historical steps beneath the words "enshrined forever"
hmm

Who's That Girl???

Ok ok... so I'm still not the greatest photographer in the world... but can I just say I was having a wee bit of an excited kind of anxiety attack!!!  I just got to round out what I've been calling my Clinton Administration Trifecta!!!  (Meaning I have now gotten books signed by President Clinton, Vice President Gore, and now Madam Secretary Albright... I freakin' rule!)  Ok... I'm a bit of a nerd, but can I just say.... WOW!!!!

Growing up there were 3 women that I always paid attention to (before Hillary that is) and they were Margaret Thatcher, Sandra Day O'Connor, and Madeleine Albright!  As a student of history from a very young age and an enthusiast of politics, I knew that these women were women that broke the mold.  But hearing this eloquent, informed, and hilariously charming woman speak in person is a memory I will always cherish.  The accomplishments this woman has achieved really helps give my life a little perspective:  Why do I get so stressed out and doubt myself so much in my role as an assistant???  For Pete's sake, I'm a competent girl, and it's not like I'm sitting down at a table with a bunch of men that are committing genocide and trying to negotiate with them!  It's time I start owning up to the fact that I am capable and that I am smart and that if I don't believe I can do it, then no one else will either!

Madeleine was discussing her book Prague Winter, she spent a lot of time talking about what it was like to come to Denver as a refugee when she was a small girl and about her time growing up in Colorado.  She talked about her father and how he worked for the University of Denver and how he founded the Graduate School of International Studies at DU.  She also talked about how she always loved History and Political Science, and about some of her studies throughout her PhD program.  She currently teaches International Relations courses at Georgetown University.  One thing I found really interesting are her opinions on religion and how it is so important when it comes to foreign policy.

Listening to her talk I felt jazzed!  I work in International Education, I love History, this stuff is right up my alley!  I think it is time to get serious and really figure out what is the next degree that I want to try for.  I gave a half hearted attempt at a Master's in History last year and after some advising, I can see that if I want a career in higher education, it's not necessarily the best route...although it is has always been a dream of mine.  However, lately I've been intrigued with International Relations just because of my own background and because of my new position at work.  Perhaps it is time to do some research!

Thank you Madeleine for making it the "norm" that women hold the Secretary of State position, and thank you for continuing to inspire girls everywhere from their youthful years into their adult careers!  I am awake!!!

....Starring....

A few months ago I was laying in bed and I had an awful realization.  I realized that I have a ton of friends.  Hold it, that's not the awful part.  I realized that my schedule was constantly busy because I keep up with people from all walks of my life and it was becoming exhausting.  Still... this is not the awful part.  I would grab coffee with this friend, get dinner at the usual spot with this gal pal, take a stroll around Wash Park with my old room-mate, have dinner and a movie night with this friend and her family, meet for breakfast with this old co-worker, have a birthday dinner with the girls, etc, etc, etc.  And then the cycle would inevitably wrap up and it would be time to start re-scheduling all these events once more.  The whole thing is about a 3-5 month cycle.  I started wondering what all these people are doing with their lives when they are not with me, and when I really thought about it this was the awful realization:  They are living their lives.  Good for them!  But what does that say about me?  I am a friend that they see every three months or so, and for me they are another person in a string of people that I keep up with and this is my life!!

I thought about it as if it were a movie, what role do I play in these people's life, in the credits at the end of their movies starring them:

Karstee Davis...........................................................................................................................as an Extra

There you have it!  Depressing!  I thought of all of these people that I adore doing the same thing as me at that very moment... laying in bed... except they are with their spouses, their fiances, some of them with their children.  Some of the more ambitious ones were probably already up and off at boot camp.  They are planning their days...

Now don't get me wrong I don't feel sad because I wake up in my bed alone, and I don't envy these people or their happiness.  I love them, I want them to be happy.

But I also want me to be happy.  And yes, I love that they are all in my life, but I just wanted to level the playing field.  I thought about how much effort I put into these friendships and how much I get back.  Yes, I realize that I am the one that got up and moved to Boulder, but did that really mean that I needed to be driving down to Denver or Aurora every other day?

My little brother points out every holiday how his family (his wife and their sons) are his main focus and that sometimes they just want to spend a holiday with just them.  I think about my other siblings, and what happens when they find people and make their own lives... will they feel the same way?  What happens to me when I've made all these people my people and they all have their own people?

I know it seems as though I am getting ahead of myself... but why wait until it's too late???  I started to get anxiety picturing that someday I would be the last of my siblings still not married and that I would get the pity invites to their Thanksgiving dinners.  I could picture the arguments they would have with their spouses before I got there:

"She's my sister and she has no where else to go!"

Oy vey!
Quick:  How do I become the star of my own life???

Well, first thing is first, I needed to decide... Denver or Boulder?  Boulder.  I've been doing the same thing for 4 years in Denver and it hasn't gotten me anywhere closer to my goals.
Secondly, I need to find out what makes me happy, (without society and everyone else's definitions).
Third, I need to find balance:  While I don't want to make everyone else's life and time more important than my own, I also don't want to isolate myself so much that I end up even more alone than where I started.
And lastly, I need to be honest with myself about what I want.  Running from things and denying what I want clearly is not working for me.

So... what happens when a person finds themselves with more free time and a clearer definition of what they want out of life?

Stay tuned....

Haymarket

On my bridge connecting an archer and lions
Inside a snow globe of glittering night lights
Holding hands
you complimented my scarf
A peddler approached
"A rose for your love?"
You bought one
Even though we had places to go
and it would wither

Twice you bought me a rose there
Both times under dark November skies
What a difference a year made
On a cold stoop step
"What do you want from me?"
Your hand ran through your hair
A peddler approached
An obligatory exchange
The winter air was so sharp

Warm light spilled out of the souvenir shop
The bells on the door jingled
A smile bound towards us like the sun
Her hands full of gifts
"Oh how romantic!"
She exclaimed,
"He bought you a rose?"
Yes
We smiled uncomfortably

The next time my eyes would see Haymarket
it would be drenched in the sunlight

Perspective

By far one of my favorite books that I have read so far in 2012 was a collection of poems called Love, An Index by Rebecca Lindenberg.  Lindenberg's collection has a theme:  it is solely focused on her relationship with her partner Craig Arnold (also a poet) and the process of mourning his death (Arnold disappeared in 2009 while hiking a volcano in Japan).

My favorite poem in the book was a short one, here it is:

You give me an apartment full of morning smells-
toasted bagel and black coffee
and the freckled lilies in the vase on the windowsill.
You give me 24-across.

That's it!  But it is amazing!!!!  This little 4 liner poem has stirred up so much emotion!  I first read it in February and I am still thinking about it!  At first, perhaps because I read it during the week of Valentine's Day, it made me sad.  It made me miss a time when I had Sunday mornings like this one.  But the longer this poem stays with me the longer the sadness is morphing into something new: HOPE.

Good Morning!

Learning to Dance Again...

One of my favorite lines from the film adaptation of the book "Eat, Pray, Love" is when the character Richard from Texas tells Liz:  "Groceries, I think you have the capacity someday to love the whole world."  Isn't that great?  I feel like I'm on that path.  Lately I've just been having so many experiences where I can feel all the sadness, the baggage, and the crap leaving!  As one of my new friends said, "You are processing!!!"  For instance, last night I danced (albeit somewhat guarded and under the influence of alcohol), but still.... I danced.... in front of people that I'm not related to.  I hadn't done that in years!  It felt so good to do something that used to make me so happy, sweating and shaking out all the bad stuff and just getting down with my nerdy self!

About a month ago, I had an experience that was so awesome that when I think about it I still can not believe that it happened; it was a Friday night and my group of friends in the Boulder area and myself decided to celebrate my transitioning offices by having a sleepover.  Cosmopolitans were had, among other things... and then we rolled out our yoga mats and plugged in a video.  It felt so good; the night air blowing through the screens, and stretching every muscle, and breathing with intent of clearing out my mind and just being still.  Afterwards, my friends brought up this nifty toy called an inversion table.  I didn't trust it at all.  I stared at this contraption and immediately decided that I would not be participating.  One friend hopped on and her husband flipped the table gently over with her on it and before I knew it she was hanging upside down by her feet.  A minute later she flipped back up and smiled and got off like it was no big deal.  Next, another friend hops right on and same thing, she flips, hangs, flips back and moves on.  After seeing them I decided that it was safe and that I wasn't going to break the machine, so with a little coaxing I decided to give it a go.  Immediately upon being strapped in, I was regretting my decision.  I even voiced out loud that I didn't trust people, that I was scared and so to please be careful!  All of that melted away the second I was hanging upside down.  To feel what it would feel like to not be carrying around all this extra weight, all this extra baggage was overwhelming!  It felt so good!!!!  Of course I started crying, because that's what I do.  It felt like all of the stress of the past 4 years had lifted off of my bones, my mind felt clear, and all I knew was that I never wanted to stop feeling like this.  It felt so amazing to remember what it felt like to be carefree, un-jaded, and weightless.  It made me realize how exciting it would be to just let go and that if by letting go of all that old stuff, what would that leave room for in my life?  What endless possibilities of amazingness could rush in to fill all the spaces that regret, fear, and self doubt have been inhabiting within me???

Another  important event happened a couple of weeks ago, I attended church for the first time in roughly a year.  I did not realize how much I had been needing to go.  I knew I was going to be emotional and when I realized that much of the service was going to be focused on praying, I knew the water works were going to start flowing!  Prayer has always made me emotional, sometimes I think it's because I used to wish so badly that I could believe with all of my heart that just by asking or thanking or talking it out with a higher power that things would get better.  Sometimes I just get overcome by the enormity of it all; that for thousands of years people have believed in something bigger than them, that wars have been fought over it, and that people of different languages talk to the same power;  something that provides so much unity and at the same time so much division.  Going to church sometimes serves as a grounding mechanism for me, I find my feet again and plant them in my beliefs, and the person I am, and the one I'm becoming.  When I'm there I'm reminded that I am unique and loved, and that I have the capability and the opportunity to treat everyone I come in contact with in that same way.

A few years ago at church, Pastor Robert gave a sermon that stuck with me.  It was about how we go through life and as things happen to us we put our guard up, we build our walls.  He likened it to running.  Some people when they run put their hands up in front of their chest, almost like they are boxing, it's a very defensive stance and really is ineffective; because the best thing a runner can do is run with their arms down, this allows their chest to open up and they in turn can breathe easier.  Pastor Robert said that many of us were due for a Renaissance of the Heart, taking something that was once old and making it new again.  I remember thinking at the time, that it was me he was talking to, that out of anyone I could think of I needed a proverbial new heart more than anyone.  Little did I know, that I was not ready.  I needed to sit with that pain for a lot longer.  For four years now in the words of Laura Marling I've been, "cleaning all the crap out of my rooms, trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue."  And what I've realized is that what makes me blue is that I have sat around for 4 years learning how to let go!  I have finally grasped that what I needed all along was ACTION!  Enough analyzing!!!  Dance, trust again, hang upside down, and love the whole world!



“It feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same; settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked around in this place, at the chaos its endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured that maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic; it’s just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation… We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."   -Elizabeth Gilbert

Noise

Recently I decided to take a "facation" from Facebook.  I had done it once before and was jonesing for it during every dull minute of my day; sitting at red lights I would pick up my phone to swipe a refresh only to remember that I no longer had a facebook.  I was curious, I missed knowing what everyone was up to, I missed pictures, I fell behind in the news.  It only took about two weeks before I just couldn't take it any longer and had to sign back in and reactivate my account.

Well, about a month ago a friend and I decided that it was time again.  We were having a long talk over coffee about how ridiculous facebook is because people try to portray their lives as perfect.  I'll admit that sometimes seeing that so and so is going on their 14th vacation for the year can become a little obnoxious, among other things (and I fully admit that my song lyric posts can be equally annoying to many).  In an act of solidarity my friend and I de-activated our accounts right there and then!  And I can honestly say that this go around was completely different than before.  I didn't even miss it!  I welcomed the stillness that comes when not filling every minute of the day with extra noise.  I'll use an online physics definition of the word noise to better clarify what I mean:  "A disturbance, especially a random and persistent disturbance, that obscures or reduces the clarity of a signal."  This may seem strange to some, but facebook is a noise that persistently disturbs and reduces the clarity of my signal.  I find when I use it I'm like an addict, I'm frazzled, disjointed, and completely out of tune with what is best for me. 

On my most recent "facation" I learned that the price of keeping up with every person I've ever known and having access to every picture of the past few years of my life is not worth the cost and the irreparable harm I'm causing for myself in the long run.  A very wise person told me to let go of facebook because it could stunt my growth, and I never realized quite how true this was until I did the unthinkable and after my month of bliss I logged back in and reactivated (Will I ever learn)????  Between the facebook, text messaging, personal email, and work email my phone was buzzing every 5 seconds (dramatization)!!!  In a little over 24 hours, I deactivated once more (yes, I am now that person) and I can honestly say that I don't imagine I will ever go back again.

In this crazy day and age when everyone is so "connected", I think it is nice to take a step back, focus on myself, learn to be comfortable in the moments of silence, clear my mind, and learn who I am and what I want when I'm not constantly being bombarded and distracted with noise.  To quote Adele, "I can't keep up with your turning tables, under your thumb, I can't breathe!"  So with that said... good bye facebook, and hello good old fashioned fresh air!